Take The Pills, And Be Happy

RHOBH has a genius way of keeping the audience intrigued while not having any semblance of a storyline whatsoever.  After finishing this episode, I realized that nothing of substance actually occurred but still managed to keep me entertained the entire time. 

MVP of the Episode

Dorit Kemsely

Let me preface this by saying that I was never a Dorit fan before this current season.  She has always been very pretentious and disingenuous since she started in season 7.  However, she has shown us something different in these first two episodes. After months of countless media reports on Dorit and PK’s possible bankruptcy, we open this episode with her moving into a massive, multi-million dollar mansion.  Which makes me beg the question: how in the world are they affording this house?

I won’t bore you with the legal jargon, but I’ve linked an article to fill you in on all the specifics.  They didn’t really explain what happened or where they currently stand financially, but Dorit announces that she put the house in her name.  This is why she’s the MVP of the episode.  Now, I still have no idea how she afforded this monstrosity given that her only source of income is her bathing suit line, Beverly Beach, but the bitch still impressed me.   I love how she’s flipping the narrative on social norms and shaking up societal standards.  I’m getting B.D.E. vibes from her, and think we’re in for a much more relatable Dorit this season.

I probably shouldn’t have taken a sip of my cocktail right before PK’s season debut since I nearly choked on it after seeing his new ‘look’.  In their confessional, I honest to god thought she was sitting next to Boy George (a.k.a PK’s musical protégé).  I know he’s going through a rough time financially, but by the looks of it, it’s even darker than anyone expected.  

Next up, we visit Garcelle’s new house and she is seen drinking champagne out of a metal straw.  Can she get any more iconic? The answer is yes, yes she can.  She then drops the proverbial mic and reveals her revenge story on her cheating ex-husband, Mike Nilon.  Long story short, she found out he was having a 5-year affair and emailed all his friends and colleagues at the company he worked for at the time (which just happened to be world-renowned talent agency, CAA).  She cleverly titled the e-mail ‘Tiger Woods, Jesse James/ Mike Nilon’ and detailed the entire affair.  The email ended up getting ‘leaked’ to the press and practically destroyed Mike’s reputation.  This, my friend, is how legends are made.  We bow down.

Unfortunately, Sutton does not seem to be going anywhere anytime soon and enjoys a night out with Kyle.  I really despise this woman.  She is not only tasteless and affected, but she also has this infuriatingly kitschy air about her that I simply cannot stand. I am really hoping she doesn’t become a staple this season and quickly evaporates from the Bravo-verse all together.  With each housewife on every franchise I watch, I try to find at least one positive trait in each of them (and trust me, sometimes it’s a very hard search) to see if we would ever be friends in real life.  I know, I need a life. I sadly, do not see one attribute I like in this woman.  Even her name is snobby. 

**The only thing we would agree on is how we take our Cosmos.  Mostly vodka, with a splash of cranberry.  

Next, we have the pleasure of seeing Denise and her husband, Aaron.  Even though this is probably not scientifically possible (sorry Denise but you are 49), I desperately want these two to make a baby.  With their genetically beautiful genes, it just doesn’t seem right for them to withhold an equally beautiful spawn.  Denise starts discussing her legal troubles with her ex-husband, Charlie (as in Sheen), and it solidifies her position as the chillest housewife, and maybe human, on the planet.  Not only does she not talk badly about Charlie to the press or to her children, she has also NEVER ASKED FOR CHILD SUPPORT. 

I need to know her astrological sign because it has to be on the complete opposite spectrum of mine.  Later in the episode, she has surgery on her four hernias.  She honestly looks better after that surgery than I do on my best day.  Life is just not fair.  

We then meet Erika and Marcelle at lunch.  These two are the duo we never knew we needed.  I know Garcelle has been on television for years, but she is already a reality pro.  She’s so refreshing to watch because of the rare authenticity and honesty she brings to the show. It’s clear she’s portraying her real self and not trying to be outrageous just to get screen time.   Bravo must have hired new casting directors because Garcelle and Leah (from RHONY) are freaking gold.   Erika starts talking about her husband and breaks down because of her love for him.  Later in the episode, she breaks down again after Tom tells her how proud he is of her lead role in Chicago on Broadway.  Say what you want about their 30-year age gap, but these two have real love for each other.  I think we’re going to see a more vulnerable side of Erika and, personally, cannot wait. 

I will speed over this next part since I don’t want to bore my audience discussing Teddi.  I honestly don’t know why Teddi is still on the show.  Her main storyline this episode was planning a fucking retreat.  Can she fit the ‘Karen’ stereotype any more perfectly?  I feel like she’s the type of person who would coordinate a book club with the other moms in the neighborhood, not allow alcohol, and then contact the author if she didn’t like the ending.  Also, even though Teddi is pregnant, is it bad to talk about how terrible her outfit was at Sutton’s party?  I don’t get how you can be so rich, and yet, so poor with taste.  It’s a travesty in my book.

On the way to Sutton’s clothing launch party, Lisa Rinna and Teddi ride together.  Is it a right of passage for women with too much money and time on their hands to create clothing lines (i.e. Kyle & Dorit)?  I’m asking for a friend.  Lisa announces that she has to ‘come clean’ about something. Every time Lisa has a confession or needs to ‘be honest’, we know we’re in for a good time.  Lisa flat out tells Teddi, like the unapologetic boss she is, that she’s relieved she has other plans to excuse her from going to Teddi’s retreat.  Does anyone else think Lisa had a Xanax smoothie beforehand based on her super calm and relaxed demeanor? 

Sutton somehow becomes even more intolerable at her own party and starts bragging about how the mayor of Hollywood is there to introduce her.  No one even knew there was a mayor of Hollywood and by this point, I’m cringing so hard, I just need the episode to end.  Erika is clearly not here for this new-money bullshit broad, and neither are we.

Next week, the Denise drama starts brewing and I’m reluctantly optimistic to see how this story unfolds.