Buca Di Bullsh*t

Can we take a moment to talk about the fact that the SEASON FINALE of RHOBH is next week?  This is some Grade A BULLSHIT and I am not okay.  I need to know why this season is cut short by 4 episodes.  We usually get at least 20 plus 3 reunion episodes. Someone needs to contact Andy Cohen ASAP and ask him what in the Coto De Caza is up.  The RHONY Finale is also upon us which means it’s about that time to increase my Lexapro script.  

The episode starts off at Garcelle’s new home who also happens to be this week’s MVP.  She is pure class and has brought a level of dignity to this show we haven’t seen in a while.  

***More details on her badass-ery below.

Denise arrives at Garcelle’s to discuss the magnificent shit show that was Rome.  Denise, again, insists she did NOT have an affair with Brandi and wants the ladies to drop it.  Aaron, who has been more than willing to impose his POV this season, has been radio silent since the affair accusations were brought to light.  I think he needs to take a break from his shady Snowden-adjacent ‘government’ job and get his sexy ass in the goddamn confessional to explain his side of things. 

We visit Dorit’s new ‘room’ at the Olive Garden, I mean, Buca di Beppo.  I lived in LA for four years and never heard of this restaurant before this season.  But you best believe next time I’m there, I will be visiting the CA-pri room.  Was it me, or did Dorit put way too much emphasis on the ‘CA’ in ‘Capri’?  Anyway, Kyle proceeds to drop the news that both Kim AND Brandi are going to the baby shower.  When I tell you I got literal chills down my spine at this point, I am not exaggerating.  Grab your popcorn and tequila, shit is about to go down.

In the next ‘filler’ scene, Lisa helps her daughter, Amelia, pack up her room. I’ve said this before, but someone give Lisa a glass of water because this bitch is SO THIRSTY trying to make her kids the next Gigi and Bella (which is never going to happen.)   In response to Garcelle’s comments in Rome, Lisa asks Amelia if her nearly naked dancing Instagram videos contributed to her eating disorder.  In the most scripted scene of the episode, Amelia denies this accusation and insists she found clarity through her therapist.  While I don’t think these videos directly correlate to Amelia’s disorder, I do think it shows the environment Amelia grew up in and the influences she continues to be surrounded by.  

We, unfortunately, find ourselves back at Buca Di Beppo.  By the beautiful grace of the Bravo gods, we discover that Kim and Lisa have a familial connection that is almost too good to be true.  However, it’s a little confusing so try to keep up.  Kim’s daughter, Brooke Wiederhorn, is married to a man whose brother, Mercer Wiederhorn, is dating Amelia.  This means that if Amelia and Mercer get married, Kim and Lisa will be some type of extended family.  I sense a spinoff in the not-so-distant future.

As a shock to absolutely no one, Denise Facetimes Dorit and tells her she can’t make it because she’s ‘sick’.  Dorit unnecessarily announces this to the entire CA-pri room which causes little-to-no reaction. I’ve seen some comments of people bashing the CA-pri room.  I don’t think it’s that bad.   I mean, it is a chain restaurant after all.  It definitely isn’t the next Villa Blanca, but we can’t all be LVP.

Erika shows up un-fashionably late in a hideous black leather ensemble and pink wig.  I appreciate the experimentation, but this outfit was a no for me.  Lisa ever-so-transparently congratulates Erika AGAIN for her upcoming Broadway stint while bringing up her own run on Broadway in the same role.  Like a fucking boss, Garcelle calls Lisa out for this, leaving her speechless (which is pretty hard to do.)

Brandi, who is looking more like Terry Dubrow by the second, shows up after the meal has already finished and I ALMOST feel bad for her.  It’s obvious no one wanted her at the actual party and only brought her in the scene to bring up the Denise drama.  I think Brandi is sharing these intimate aspects of her life because she thinks there’s a chance she’ll be hired back full time.  Even though I believe she would bring the drama tenfold, I just don’t see a reality where this would ever happen. 

Kyle is the one to bring up the Rome drama and Denise/Brandi hookup in front of the entire party which, strangely, embarrasses Brandi.  Doesn’t she know this is going to be seen on national television in front of millions? 

Then, in one of the most AWKWARD scenes in Housewives’ history, Teddi kicks out her already uncomfortable ‘non-cast member’ guests in order to continue the NSFW conversation with Brandi.  I am literally cringing all over again just thinking about it.  

Before I go any further, I need to comment on Brandi’s hair in this scene.  The front looked fine, but WTF was going on in the back?  It was a matted mess.  Could the girl not hire a hair stylist for this one scene?  Truly sad all around.

Once the stragglers leave, Brandi continues her crusade to get the other women on her side.  On a side note, was anyone else a little startled each time the camera glanced over at Kim who is a dead ringer of the crypt keeper?  I had nightmares about it last night. 

Erika and Dorit still don’t believe Brandi at this point which prompts Brandi to bring out the receipts, a.k.a. countless texts from Denise.  Throughout this entire interaction, Lisa keeps saying how she’s ‘not comfortable’ talking about Denise without her being physically present.  Bull-Fucking-Shit, Rinna.  She obviously can’t control herself, and asks Brandi to just ‘see a little bit’ of the text exchange.  While this is now enough proof for Erika, Dorit is still left unconvinced.  Brandi is getting visibly heated and goes into detail on the specific acts she performed on Denise.  While the entire sentence was pretty much censored, it was easy to assume what was said.   While I do think it’s pretty egregious how Brandi showed the women the private texts, we wouldn’t have had a season without this storyline so I understand it had to be done for the greater good.  

Next week is the (sobs internally) season finale.  We still have so many questions and yet, I don’t think we will receive many answers.  Only time will tell, but the mourning process has officially begun for me. 

A Nostalgic Breakdown

**Make sure to check out this week’s Sipping The Rosé for the latest gossip in the Bravoverse!

I truly had all the feels during this week’s episode of RHOBH.  As a quick side story, I studied abroad in Rome and every time Italy is mentioned in my peripheral, I have a slight nostalgic breakdown.  Seeing the ladies travel from Fiumicino Airport through the countryside to Rome brought a tear to my eye. From the cobblestone streets to the Coliseum at night, it was almost too much to much bear.  However, I’m sure you don’t give a fuck about my feelings (nor should you) so let’s dive into last night’s episode. 

Denise is the MVP this week because, much to her dismay, there wouldn’t be a storyline without her.  I also truly felt bad for her situation and am beginning to think she might call it quits after this season is done.

There was only ONE reason why Kyle and Teddi only told shit stirrer, Rinna, about the Brandi/Denise hook up.  They wanted to cause drama and knew Lisa would do their dirty work for them and blow shit up. Well, mission accomplished.

Erika, Kyle, Dorit, Teddi and Lisa arrive at their beautiful Italian hotel and immediately go to their rooms to freshen up- with Dorit and Erika’s glam team in tow.   What a life that must be- I truly can’t imagine. I still don’t know how to properly put on eyeliner!

They arrive at a restaurant, directly across from the coliseum (killing me slowly) and order their ‘go-to’ drinks.  Kyle orders her typical margarita, which I agree is strange to do on your first night in Rome, but Dorit’s hypocritical shade is even more questionable.  In Dorit’s confessional, she makes fun of Kyle for her drink order but then orders a vodka soda with lemon.  You can’t get much more basic than that, Dorit. 

Denise and Garcelle surprise the ladies at dinner, triggering Teddi and making her even more intolerable than she already is.   We’re never sure how these interactions actually go down since the producers often manipulate the situation, but overall, it seemed tense. 

I have to hand it to Denise and Garcelle- they just got off of a 14+ hour flight with no glam team and looked better than all the women combined.  As awkward as this interaction was, nothing too crazy occurs and they decide to call it a night.

They all meet up the next morning for a full day of activities, of course, looking flawless.  Erika is channeling her version of Olivia Pope with a stunning Chanel top hat, leaving Kyle, shaking in her boots.  I’ve always said that this show has the best fashion of any franchise and these ladies never disappoint.  That is, besides Teddi.

Another element of this episode I enjoyed was the numerous occult topics brought up.  It was a slight pivot from their normal conversations, but this bitch was all for it.  They visited the Piazza del Popola, where The Exorcist was apparently filmed.  How did I live in Rome for 4 months and not know this?  I’m booking my trip NOW. 

Then, Denise nonchalantly brings up how her house is built on a pagan burial ground and that her daughter sees spirits at night.  I think we need an episode, Paranormal Activity-style, of Denise’s house at night and just see what creepy stuff the producers catch.  This would be a win-win for Denise since it would make up for her quitting the show mid-season plus she wouldn’t have to film with any of her co-stars. 

This might just be me completely unaware with the current state of the fashion world, but is Fendi still considered a relevant brand?  No shade, just truly curious because if I had their dough, you would see me in Prada or Dior when visiting one of the top fashion capitals of the world. 

Teddi continues to have the biggest stick up her ass when it comes to Denise who tries to make conversation with her.  Why was Teddi even invited back this season?  She’s so intolerable and judgmental.

They all leave Fendi without dropping less than $4,000 each, with Kyle coming out on top with a little over $9,000.  I have heard from credible sources that Kyle is a certified shopaholic- like has an actual shopping addiction.  Can anyone confirm this?

The women get back to their hotel and get ready for their second night in Rome.  As I’m typing this, I am realizing that half of the show is just watching the ladies get ready for events and yet, we’re somehow still entertained.  That’s some serious skill on the producer’s side.  Dorit insists she’s going for a ‘casual’ look and shows up in head-to-toe Chanel, leaving Kyle quaking, again, for the second time in one day.  You love to see it.

Erika also looks incredible and insists that Italy is where you go to show off your expressive side.  I never got that memo because this is how I looked on my first trip to Rome at 14. 

Yes, that’s a head-to-toe Abercrombie and a kukui nut necklace with gel-curled hair... 

Everything starts off tame at dinner, besides Sutton’s seriously rude faux pas with her wine. However, we’ve come to expect nothing more from the former debutante so lets move on.  Their drinks haven’t even arrived yet before Teddi brings up the ‘alleged’ comments Denise said about her cast mates to Brandi. 

If I didn’t believe Brandi before, Denise’s face, when Brandi’s name was uttered, confirmed it.  Denise tries her best to shut down the rumors as nonsense, and I actually believe her for a moment.  However, she then back peddles and looks more guilty than ever. 

***Rinna says she’s going to stay out of this rumor because of the Yolanda/Munchausen debacle she started back in season 6.  I bet Yolanda still regrets doing the show to this day. 

Teddi continues to antagonize Denise and eventually drops the Brandi affair bombshell to the shock of the entire group.  I know Teddi is doing everything in her power to stay relevant and secure her diamond next season since she’s the most uninteresting person in the cast, but airing Denise’s personal life in a social setting is just cruel. Bringing up someone’s sex life to a group of women at a dinner party is tactless, but knowing it will air on national television is a new level of trashy. I felt so bad for Denise at this moment because she looked completely mortified and blindsided, like someone slapped her in the face with a Manolo.  She pleads for Bravo not to air this conversation, which is obviously the antithesis of the producer’s intentions.

Next week, Denise drops the tea that Brandi hooked up with another woman in the group.  Do we think there is any truth to this or is she trying to save face and discredit Brandi?

MILF Porn or Bust

So, Ramona (not-so) shockingly sank lower then she’s ever gone before at her ‘Coming Out’ Birthday Party.  No one is really sure what’s she’s ‘coming out’ from but it’s definitely not as a decent human being.  I used to think Ramona’s selfish, egotistical, borderline, sociopathic behavior was just an act for ratings, but I’m starting to believe that she actually is as terrible as she lets on to be. 

The MVP of this episode (and the season if we’re being honest) is Leah.  She keeps it real 100% of the time and is the coolest bitch this franchise has ever seen.  We must, as a Bravo-verse, defend her at all costs and not allow any menopausal snakes to change her in ANY WAY.   

We start off with Luann and Sonja attending a meeting at The Fortune Society, an AA-type event with previously incarcerated felons who are looking to rebuild their lives.   The majority of these individuals were in prison for 10+ years and dealt with much more adversity than the Countess has experienced in her pinky finger.  When I figured out why the women were actually there, I started to sweat and poured another glass of wine in anticipation of the second-hand humiliation I was about to endure.  While they did appear genuinely humbled to be included in on the event, it came across as completely self-serving and out-of-touch with any semblance of reality.  Cue the cringe. 

I also don’t think Luann expected so many people to take her up on the complimentary spa day offer.  Sheer panic ran across her face when half the group raised their hands to participate and she realized the serious dough she would have to put forward.

Also, I’m starting a movement now for Bravo to hire Leah’s sister, Sarah, next season.  She’s already proven she will bring the drama by bringing up personal family issues within her allotted two minutes of screen time.  Picture what she will stir up with her enemies!  It’s almost too magnificent to imagine.  Forget about Elyse.  Bring on Sarah.

The main event of this episode was Ramona’s (might I go as far as to say tacky?) party.  First off, she had a general rule that everyone who attends must wear black.  I have to give it to Elyse who predicted the female Mussolini would plan to stand out in red while her peasants wore black.   The only good thing that came out of this rule was that Sonja and Luann both ignored it and wore sparkling gold and red. You both fell on the sword for the betterment of humanity.  We applaud your bravery.

Throughout this entire episode, I felt a personal, deep, dark internal rage towards Ramona.  Everything she says and does is so outwardly rude and disrespectful.  Honestly, I’m in complete awe she’s been able to get away with this despicable behavior for so long.  The way she treats Leah is downright disgraceful, however, we all know it’s out of jealousy. Going after her Norma Kamali dress, which looked fucking fabulous and is now sold out on the Revolve website I might add, was so transparent it was almost embarrassing to watch as a viewer. 

Ramona, jealously is the trashiest color and you wear it well.  Leah is a better sport than I would have been.  Can I also point out that there was a woman with full on pink hair and gray roots at this party? How the hell was she allowed in?  If there’s one thing I hate, it’s double fucking standards and Ramona is the queen of them.

We have to give Dorinda credit for the old adage ‘you took my drink, now make me another’ line you tell the bartender when you want a refill but don’t want to be judged.  I can’t count the amount of times I’ve used this line at family parties when I want to avoid the disappointed looks from my grandparents after I down my third dirty martini.  Dorinda makes me feel better about my drinking habits, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. 

However, the height of the episode is when Ramona brings over her new Gucci purse some ‘best friends’ bought her.  This (rightfully) triggers everyone in the group, especially Sonja, who goes after the bag and INSISTS Ramona exchanges it.  In Sonja’s defense, it was a pretty hideous bag.  This prompts the drinks to start flowing fast and the drama to unravel even faster.  The party is filled with white, plastic-looking women in their sixties dancing, which Leah appropriately refers to as MILF Porn.  That’s one video I would certainly not pay to see.

In stark contrast to the up-tight WASPs in the room, Leah, Elyse, Sonja, and Luann let loose and start dancing together.   They start to actually have a good time before Ramona’s wet blanket of a sister, Tanya, complains that Leah is ‘dancing like a stripper’.  Ramona has what can only be described as a full on mental freak out, grabs Leah and starts chastising her on her ripped stockings.  Meanwhile, Sonja dances on a glass table, cracks it and no one bats an eye.  This is all too much for Ramona’s virgin eyes to witness and she threatens to quit the show.  Honestly, maybe she should leave and make room for a new housewife who isn’t two years away from wearing Depends on a daily basis. 

I cannot fucking wait for next week when they head to Mexico.  I have no doubt it will be a shit show, binge fest for the ages. I also hope Ramona is called out once and for all.  Girl, bye. 

Blame It On The Rosé

I think we can all agree that this season of RHONY is one of its darkest yet.  Not that I’m complaining in any way, but literally every person on this show has a serious drinking (possibly drug) problem and we tune in every Thursday and call it entertainment.  Is it selfish on our part?  Possibly. Will it make me stop watching?  Abso-fucking-lutely NOT.  While this season has been a train wreck (in the best possible way), I do think the producers are starting to play with fire.  On the off chance that something bad actually does happen to one of these women during a drunken binge fest could mean trouble for Bravo and the future of the franchise.  I am not saying they need to reel anything back at this point, but maybe consider having an EMT or licensed therapist on standby.  

I feel like an asshole for admitting that the MVP of this episode is Dorinda, who is truly giving Lisa Rinna a run for her money as the ‘Biggest Shit Stirrer’ on Bravo.

The episode starts off right after Luann’s demonic outburst towards Sonja, who called Luann out on her $225 cabaret appearance payment.  This entire scene was disturbing to me on two levels. One, Luann, who has repeatedly said she makes her lucrative livelihood through these performances, is being a greedy bitch and can afford to fork over some extra dough.  On the other hand, is Sonja’s alimony running low or something?  Being a former Morgan, you would think she would be doing the cabaret for free.  I have no right to comment on this but being an unemployed, broke ass bitch myself, I know money problems when I see it.  Lady Morgan is struggling. 

Even though Sonja is wasted beyond belief and cannot form a coherent sentence by this point in the night, Luann does not back down and continues to aim for the jugular with her comments.  There is NO WAY these women are only drinking alcohol.  I know that is a strong accusation to make but their level of intoxication is beyond the capacity of what rosé can do.  My guess is that some Xanax smoothies or powdery substances were consumed before this dinner took place. 

Also, am I the only one who finds it strange that none of the other ladies are concerned over Sonja’s near constant state of unconsciousness due to her drinking?  It was funny at first, but is starting to get a bit troubling.  If Luann and Sonja’s inebriated conversation wasn’t dark enough, Dorinda decides to insert herself in on the drama. She starts hurling insults at Luann, calling her a ‘drunken fool’ and making fun of her mug shot (which at this point is old news).  Leah, ever so wisely, points out that they are ‘all one drink away from a mug shot’.  Aren’t we all though?

This prompts the Ice Queen, Luann, to melt down, pack up and leave for a hotel with her Jovani tote in tow.  The already OBLITERATED Dorinda then pours herself a FULL glass of straight Ketel One and continues to verbally assault Luann like a totally stable person does. 

I can’t judge Dorinda on the full-glass of vodka part.  We’ve all been there.  When you are at the point of pouring straight vodka into a full water glass, you are usually at the point of no return.  Even though Luann must have been consuming something based on her manic behavior, I never once saw her take a sip of alcohol.  I am aware she’s an alcoholic, but damn is she one sneaky motherfucker.   

Thankfully, Leah comes to the rescue in a full-on fur coat and makes the decision to go to a pub with Luann and Ramona.  Unfortunately, cameras were not present at the pub to witness this Motley Crew, but Leah tells us that Luann tried to perform part of her cabaret and was denied.  Honestly, I’m glad that wasn’t filmed since that might have been a bit too much second-hand humiliation even for me to handle at this point in the episode.

The next morning, Dorinda does not take responsibility for anything while Ramona, seemingly frightened by her, figuratively walks on eggshells.  I need to say ‘figuratively’ since we never do know for sure with these women.  Dorinda does end up calling Luann to apologize but blames her borderline abusive behavior on rosé.  I’m sorry, but why hasn’t that excuse ever worked for me?  Every time I blame my bad, drunken behavior on alcohol, people just suggest I go to rehab.  While I appreciate the group’s ability to simply slip this incident under the rug, Dorinda is a ticking time bomb and her implosion is imminent.  After a breakfast of uncooked waffles, they meet Luann downtown to do some shopping.  Once Sonja sees Luanne, she runs up, gives her a hug and all seems to be forgotten- like a scene out of the fucking Twilight Zone. 

As crazy as this might seem to an outsider, we see this cycle time and time again with these ladies.  Much like sisters do, these women can spew the most hateful comments towards each other and make up the next morning over mimosas only to repeat the same drunken behavior again that night. 

After a day of shopping, they head home to get ready for dinner.  Never to miss an opportunity to humiliate Ramona, the producers catch a glimpse of her plunging her own toilet.  The camera literally zooms in on her removing her own feces. In an ironic but not-so shocking turn of events later that evening, Ramona drags on about how difficult it is to find a man because she is in the top 1%.  Ramona, maybe you can’t find a man because of your disgusting fecal issues.  Lest us not forget the time you shit on the floor in the mansion in Cartagena.  #NeverForget

At dinner, we get a visit from one of my LEAST FAVORITE housewives of all time, ‘Holla Back’ Heather.  Thankfully, she didn’t get much screen time but I can’t help but wonder whether the producers are testing the waters on her possible return to the show.   I swear to god, if she comes back, I will swallow glass in protest.  Okay, maybe that was a bit much, but I WILL become unhinged. 

I never thought I would say this but Elyse is starting to grow on me.  Even though I was expecting a little more pizazz from her alter ego, Erika, she did appear a little less robotic and not so much of a doormat.  I know those aren’t glowing reviews to give a person, but I see some potential in her; especially if a shocking scandal were to secretly drop on Page 6 right around season 13 casting time.   

All in all, dinner the second night was surprisingly low drama and fun. However, Leah warned us on her Instagram that it was the last nice moment of the season.  They have already been pretty terrible to one another, so I’m a little nervous to see how much lower they can go.   

Did VPR pour their final cocktail?

With all the horrible events going on in the world, I thought it would be super out of touch to write blog posts to my, at most, 10 readers. If I’m being honest, I had zero interest in watching Bravo (I know, blasphemy) let alone write about it.  Then, about two weeks ago, Bravo announced the glorious, yet long-awaited, firings of four main VPR cast members; Brett, Max, Kristen, and most shockingly, Stassi.  There is so much to unravel here, so let’s start with the overall vibe of the season.

For those who know me, Vanderpump Rules quickly became one of my favorite shows on television and introduced me to the Bravoverse in 2012.  I genuinely looked forward to every season premiere and counted down the days between each weekly episode.  

Side story: While at Bravocon, me and my friend, Mary Ann, were most excited for the VPR panel and may or may not have pushed down a barricade to get a good seat.  At the panel, they premiered the first episode of season 8 with all the main cast members on stage.  Me and Mary Ann were a few cocktails in by this point and beyond excited to preview the episode two months before it aired.  However, after the premiere, there was a noticeable ‘let down’ type vibe that neither of us commented on at the time.  If my tipsy memory serves me right, I believe we clapped with the audience, got up and went to the bar to forget about what we just watched.  Me, being an all-weathered fan of the show, talked myself into believing that the reason I was let down was because I hyped the season up too much.  Fast forward 4 months and 22 episodes later, I can assure you the season did not get any better and required a steady pregame before pushing myself to watch each week.

Now, let me preface this next part by saying that before a few weeks ago, I was a huge Stassi fan.  I pre-ordered her book last year, purchased $200 meet & greet tickets to her podcast show (I like to believe I had a stroke before buying those) and even gave her self-indulgent podcast a weekly listen.  I am ashamed to admit that I did hear her comments about Faith Evans, BLM and the #MeToo movement when they were initially said, but always brushed it off as her, well, just being a bitch.  

Over this past month, I have been self reflecting and educating myself on the Black Lives Matter movement.  I realized that not only were Stassi’s comments and actions cruel, they were also flat-out racist.  I have come to the disappointing realization that I have been very ignorant and compliant towards racism with people I look up to and support monetarily.  While what Stassi did is terrible, me being complicit and continuing to support her, even with the knowledge of her statements, is equally as bad.  

I am also not typically one to support ‘cancel culture’ if someone screws up once and actively tries to change their behavior and do better.  However, someone who continually spews hateful, sexist and racist comments while also putting others in imminent danger, is simply inexcusable.  For that, I FULLY support the firing of Kristen and Stassi. 

I also support the firing of Brett and Max, but for slightly different reasons.  When their racist tweets became public before the season aired, I personally believe Bravo should have fired them on the spot instead of waiting for social pressure to do so.  The subsequent firings of Stassi and Kristen would have been taken more seriously, even at the risk of losing two cast members (which would have actually been a blessing in hindsight) before the season aired.  I don’t believe Max and Brett brought much to the show besides being major fuck boys with superiority complexes.  I am now going to step off my soap box, but needed to address this giant racist elephant in the room before progressing into my thoughts on the future of VPR.

Given the fact that the three part reunion was done exclusively on Zoom, Bravo and the production team did an excellent job executing and producing the show.  However, that was about the only positive takeaway I have from the three hour recap of a subjectively boring AF season.  The cast has gotten a taste of fame and are now unwilling to share their nitty gritty, shit show moments that originally made them famous.  The majority of them are engaged or married and planning to have children in the near future. Stassi’s PR pregnancy, announced right after the demise of her career, was timed better than all of Kris Jenner’s publicity stunts combined.  The fans don’t want to see this.  We want to see alcoholic benders in Mexico, Adderall and tequila infused fist fights, and Lala talking about giving BJs on PJs.  Another major issue this season was the drama involving the now fired editor, Bri Ellinger.  She broke the third wall and admitted that she purposefully edited Scheana’s story line to make her appear clingy, needy and out-of-touch.  While all of those attributes are probably true, the viewers were given a glimpse behind the manipulation tactics reality shows use to gain viewership and drama.  

Between the stale storylines and the racism now attributed with the show, I truly believe we have seen the last of Vanderpump Rules as we know it.  However, with the extended time off due to COVID, the VPR producers have the perfect opportunity to make a spinoff with some MUCH NEEDED DIVERSITY.  I would love to see a Tom/Tom spinoff since Schwartz and Sandavol’s friendship is the heart of the show.  They can bring back Dayna, Charli and Danica but then clean house and start from scratch, by, let’s repeat for the people in the back, HIRING MORE DIVERSE CAST MEMBERS. 

I have also heard rumblings of a Vanderpump Vegas spin off.  While I can see major potential with this idea, they will have to bring back a few OG’s to help retain their audience and provide viewers some semblance of the VPR we all knew and used to love. 

Only time will tell what lies ahead for this hot mess express…Stay tuned.

It's Ok, If It's In A Threeway

I know I have given Kyle a lot of shit this season so I decided to start by offering her some compliments.  Firstly, her home is absolutely stunning.  I’m sure her she-devil, best friend, Faye Resnick, designed it, but I always give credit where credit is due.  Secondly, her green Manolo heeled slides are literally to DIE FOR.  Even though her style this season is comparable to a much older, knock-off version of Carrie Bradshaw, I always appreciate a nice pair of shoes.  

We start off the episode with Kyle frantically speaking Spanish to her maids because one of them broke a glass.  Her attempt to not come across as a total monster by appearing concerned for her maid’s potential hand injury failed since we all know she was more distressed about the broken crystal (which she mentioned first).  Unfortunately for Dorit, she is the first person to arrive at Kyle’s place ahead of their road trip to Santa Barbara.  Kyle wants to smooth over their ridiculous argument from the previous night where Dorit handled herself perfectly, even when she was being called an ‘asshole’ and repeatedly told to ‘fuck off’.  Personally, I am envious of Dorit’s stoic, almost sociopathic demeanor throughout the entire argument and am currently working on that DGAF mentality myself.  For someone who was so perplexed by the ‘couple’s therapy’ comment, Kyle sure seems triggered by it.  The next person to arrive is Lisa Rinna who announces that she’s late because her dogs got into her mother’s pill bottle.  Should we be concerned?  What exactly were these pills?  While I’m not surprised, I have no words but total judgement.  

When Garcelle showed up in her first scene of the episode, I was so happy to see it NOT involving her cheating ex-husband, Mike.  She is such a dynamic character and has the potential of adding a lot of substance to the show.   Unfortunately, the scene ultimately ends with her meeting up with Mike.  Personally, I think the producers are doing her character a disservice by not divulging other, more intriguing aspects of her life.   While I am very impressed by their co-parenting skills, especially after their nasty divorce, I don’t want to continue seeing Mike every episode.  Am I right?

All the ladies, besides Garcelle and Denise (who’s driving up later) arrive at their beautiful Santa Barbara rental mansion located directly on the Pacific Ocean.  When the friendly Airbnb host goes to hug Sutton, her entire body clenches uncomfortably.  Does this confirm that she does indeed have a tree up her ass?

Side note: I heard some tea about Sutton.  She was supposed to be a full-time housewife but got demoted to a ‘friend’ position.  Supposedly, after filming was complete, her ex-husband decided he did not want their kids to be filmed. Apparently, her children were included in the majority of her personal scenes and Bravo obviously wanted to avoid a lawsuit.  After the scenes with her children were cut, there simply wasn’t enough content to give her a diamond this season.  That, my friends, is what I call a blessing in disguise.

The ladies decide to go to a winery and are troubled with the decision on whether or not to leave Denise a note on where they went.  This is the 21st century- why didn’t just texting her run through these bitch’s minds?  Jealousy is not a pretty color on any of these ladies.  Dorit did experience a F.A.B. (fake-ass-bitch, according to Kyle) moment when she brought a can of REGULAR Coke for the ride.  I am willing to bet my entire life savings (which is dismally low at this point) that she had 5 sips MAX.

After going on a completely staged, overly-produced bike ride on the beach, they finally arrive at the winery.  They start drinking as if a drought were coming (no judgement there) and instantly begin talking complete shit about Denise.  The overall consensus is that Denise has no right to judge their ‘threesome’ dinner conversation since Charlie Sheen once brought a hooker to Thanksgiving.  Like clockwork, Denise shows up, touting her own bottle of Tequila, in the middle of their conversation.  While I usually agree with the producers, I, unfortunately, think they were purposefully trying to make Denise look bad in this scene.  She came across as a wet blanket at the winery (which we all know she’s not) and her lines seemed taken out of context.  

They go back to the mansion and get ready for a night in.  At dinner, Lisa Rinna wastes no time and instantly pours gasoline on the already ignited flame by asking Denise’s opinion on filming her infamous threesome scene in Wild Thing.  However, Denise doesn’t take the bait and answers in a refreshingly honest way.  That obviously does not sit well with shit-stirrer, Lisa, causing her to push the envelope even further.  She then asks Denise how she will feel when her kids eventually do watch Wild Thing.  Call it ignorant bliss, but Denise doesn’t believe her kids will ever watch it.  From the wise words of our new uptight friend, Sutton, Lisa does not ‘let the mouse go’ on this topic.  Instead, she brings up the sex book she wrote and how happy she is that her daughters read it and now know how to give good blow jobs.  I’m no prude, but this whole scene made me cringe harder than Sutton receiving a hug. 

Kyle then apologizes to Denise for their argument at Erika’s party and the dinner takes a predictable turn.  On a scale of 1 (being comatose on Xanax smoothies) to a 10 (season 5 Amsterdam brawl with Brandi, Kim and Rinna), I would give this a 4.  These ladies need to level up and heighten the drama ASAP.  The glam and diamond ice sculpture gets brought up yet again.  Denise drops the fact that her adopted daughter, Eloise, picked it out, making Kyle look even more like an absolute asshole.  Honestly, I don’t want to bore you with this level 4 fight because it was more of the same mess we’ve been seeing all season.  The Kyle-Teddi best friend issue is getting old- why does anyone even care if these two bores are best friends? Thank you Bravo for triggering my high school experience, yet again.  

This season started out promising, but I’m getting concerned with the direction we’re headed.  We do not want a repeat of the Lucy Lucy Apple Juice (yes some asshole actually named their dog that) scandal.  LVP, call Andy.  We need you back, ASAP.

Through Rose Colored Glasses

This week’s episode assured me why we watch RHOBH.  We never seem to get the full picture of these women’s private lives since they only share what they want the audience to see. 

***Of course, with the exception of our favorite shit shows, Brandi Glanville and Kim Richards.  We thank you for your service.   

I believe these women are able to get away with not completely exploiting themselves and their family based on the lavish lifestyles they live.  The Beverly Hills housewives are by far the wealthiest out of every franchise and its shows with their astonishing homes, massive designer closets and luxurious vacations.  This alone is why I had such an issue with Kyle this episode.  Practically every scene revolved around her ‘issues’ with the women being, quote, ‘fake bitches’. I’m sorry, but how has that changed since the inception of the show?  When Kyle continuously shared this point of contention with the group, she was rightfully torpedoed in every direction.  This brings me to this week’s MVP.

Erika Jayne

Erika has always been a truth teller, but she is bringing her A-game this season. She is completely aware of her wealth and privilege, and owns it 100%.  Erika consistently calls out the other women on their bullshit (i.e. primarily Sutton, Teddi and Kyle) and doesn’t allow them to get away with anything.  However, I think the narrative is about to change as certain characters begin to unravel this season. 

This episode starts where we left off at Denise’s dinner party.  Kyle is painfully unaware of her own behavior, causing massive confusion with the other women and the audience watching at home. Kyle is over-the-top upset with Dorit for showing up to Teddi’s retreat hours late dressed in head-to-toe glam.  I’ve never seen any of these women without glam, which disparages Kyle’s point even more.  Lisa Rinna, being the notorious shit-stirrer we love to hate, brings up Kyle’s sister, Kim, which is too much for Kyle to handle.  She storms off to the bathroom with ass-kisser, Teddi, following directly behind her and ends up leaving without saying goodbye.  This entire scene was ridiculously overblown and reminded me of my daily all-girl private high school experience.  Thank you Bravo for that reminiscent trip down memory lane.    

Later in the episode, Denise and Erika go out for coffee and discuss the nightmarish dinner party.  Denise reveals how embarrassed she was that her eldest daughter overheard their threesome conversation.  No judgement, but I was astonished that Denise took offense to this situation.  Her ex-husband is a raging, self-proclaimed sex addict and her films aren’t exactly family-friendly. Pot, meet Kettle. If Denise was actually concerned about her children and their friends, why were they even there in the first place?  Nothing short of savage, Erika ever-so-cleverly pointed out that she thought ‘she was at Wild Thing’s house’ so all conversations were fair game.  

The arc of the episode revolved around Lisa’s two daughters and the launch of their clothing line.  Lisa is the perfect combination of Kris Jenner and Yolanda Foster, sorry, Yolanda Hadid. She wants her children to be the next Gigi and Bella while also becoming momager of the year.  She needs to pick a lane because currently, both roads look a little desperate.  I love you, Rinna, but we’re all starting to see through your translucently plumped-up lips.  

The ladies begin their night at Erika’s retro glam ‘club house’ apartment which is a Ziggy Stardust dream.  Lisa announces that her daughters did a collaboration with an individual everyone knows, prompting Sutton’s already pessimistic demeanor to become even more downbeat.  This uncomfortable moment isn’t addressed again until the ladies step off the party bus and make their way into the event.  Sutton has what can only be described as a dissociative episode and starts ranting on how she has a bad feeling about the party and is ‘about to flip out’. She has this glazed look over her face throughout the entire event but unfortunately, doesn’t cause a scene until dinner. 

At dinner, Erika, being the real-ass bitch she is, orders a shot ‘to take the edge off’ at the tension-filled table.   This leads Dorit, who is sporting a 6-foot rat tail in her hair, to call out Sutton on her irrational, bizarre commentary.  Sutton reveals that she had a business disagreement with Lisa’s makeup artist, Joey Maalouf.  Does anyone else think that Joey Maalouf is this season’s John Stessa?  I really hope this doesn’t turn into Puppygate 2.0.

Lisa and Dorit calmly discuss the issue with Sutton, who is on the verge of tears.  Sutton needs to develop a harder exterior if she’s going to be dealing with these pitbulls all season.   Dorit continues to repeat actual statements that Sutton said but ultimately angers (a.k.a. embarrasses) her in the process. Sutton becomes a loose cannon and starts telling Dorit to ‘shut her mouth’.   

Kyle tries to defend Sutton unsuccessfully, however, the conversation then karmically gets turned to her.  She makes a blanket statement how everyone at the table is a ‘fake ass bitch’ without any context.  Denise doesn’t take this lying down and pushes Kyle to provide examples.  Kyle brings up how Denise’s diamond ice sculpture and full glam at her party was out of character.   I truly do not understand why Kyle has such a bug up her ass over these women.   Personally, I think she misses LVP who always had her back during times like these. Girl, you should not have burned that golden bridge.

We are starting to see a darker side of Denise and I’m not sure I like it.  I appreciate that she is standing up for herself, but it seems to be clouded with hostility.  The death-look she gave Kyle in the final scene gave me full body shivers.  She is clearly out for blood.

Three Sheets To The Cider-Filled Wind

RHONY is like a strong, refreshing Cosmopolitan.  Sophisticated and feminine on the outside, and guaranteed to knock you on your ass every time you indulge.  I feel like a broken record at this point, but the ladies of New York City never cease to let me down.    

In the first scene of the episode, Tinsley (a.k.a Tinsdale), who likely weighs 110 pounds soaking wet, is boxing with our friendly giant, Martin, at their gym.  Someone needs to get Martin an apple next season because his commentary might have been the highlight of the episode and made him this week’s MVP.

This Week’s MVP

Martin (Tinsley’s Boxer Friend)

For roughly 3 whole minutes, Martin is antagonizing Tinsley in the ring, pushing her to ‘man up’ and take control of her life.  It was very Melissa McCarthy verse Kristen Wig in Bridesmaids adjacent.  Martin asks the question everyone should be thinking- ‘Where do you guys get these names from?’.  He makes a valid point. Between Dorinda, Tinsley, Ramona, and Luann, they are quite the Motley Crew.  I personally would like to see a ‘Karen’ or a ‘Susan’ housewife thrown in just to mix it up a little.  

The next major piece of gossip amongst the ladies is the break up between Dorinda and John.  This revelation did not come as much of a surprise to the audience since the news was leaked months ago.  However, to the ladies, they act as if it were Christ’s Second Coming.  Personally, I could not be happier for Dorinda and am hoping that John does not try to weasel his greasy self back into the mix.  

Luann arrives at Leah’s apartment and instantly disapproves of everything.  She seems to have an issue with the size and decor of the place, while back at the ranch, I would kill just to live in her bathroom.  We also need to give the production team a thunderous round of applause for this scene.  Leah and Luann start discussing their alcohol consumption behavior and how they are able to ‘drink responsibly’.  Meanwhile, the incredible producers masterfully flashback to the drunken antics of Luann falling into the bush in Mexico and Leah throwing her tiki torches in Ramona’s backyard. 

Bravo.  You went above and beyond this week and the fans appreciate your dedication to the craft.

Luann truly does not miss a beat after her first taste of alcoholic freedom, and instantly plans a girl’s trip to a winery in upstate New York.  They rent a luxurious van and make their way up to Marlboro (yes, that is an actual town).  Before Sonja steps off the bus, she states how she is ‘not drinking wine and wants to have a healthy day’.  

A friendly word of warning: If we’ve learned anything in the past 15 years of RH history, those are the most cursed words a Housewife could possibly say.   Personally, every time I announce I’m not drinking, I end up with a lost phone and negative $200 in my bank account.

Unpopular opinion: I am starting to warm up to Elyse.  Even though I still think she is more thirsty than an alcoholic on coke, she is definitely working hard for that Housewife title.  She courageously asks Dorinda about her breakup with John, which somehow ricochets into a massive blowout between Dorinda and Tinsley.  Dorinda, known for her savagely below-the-belt comments, starts hurling insults towards Tinsley.  Tinsley tries defending herself, in her piercingly high-pitched voice, while Dorinda continues to pour more wine and ruthlessly mock her in return.  Honestly, I give Tinsley a lot of credit for not breaking down at the table. Instead, she waits and starts sobbing to Luann a few meters away from the table.  Luann, being the diplomatic countess she is, directs Tinsley to speak more softly, like Barack Obama.  I’m sure Obama is thrilled to be associated with RHONY. 

Meanwhile, Dorinda continues to lose her mind back at the table.  As much as I love drunk Dorinda, I think she desperately needs some type of rehab or restful ‘getaway’ at one of those expensive retreat-like facilities that ban alcohol and illegal substances. Girl is a HOT mess and needs to level it out.  Also, does anyone else remember when Dorinda broke a rib?  Has this season been so action-packed that Bravo just pushed past that shocking piece of information?  

To ease her tension, Tinsley decides to climb a tree like any rational 44-year old woman would in her position.   That in itself has been my mood this entire quarantine.  Sonja’s ‘no drinking rule’ doesn’t stand a chance and she is three sheets to the wind by lunchtime.  

The ladies decide to take a tractor ride to a corn maze and have to find their way out completely inebriated. I have seen too many horror movies involving children and corn fields that you could not pay me enough to go through a corn maze.  For a moment, between the public urination and Tinsley’s blood curdling screams, I actually thought I was watching a Friday The 13th sequel.  

They somehow safely find their way back to the winery and look ready to check into Passages Malibu.  In front of the uptight sommelier, the ladies discuss their opinion on sexting and their preference size of a man’s ‘nether region’.  Leah compares hers to a donut (I will let you use your imagination on that one) and Sonja drops one of the best lines of the day.  Referring to Tinsley, Sonja says “she’ll do anything for a small dick- especially if it gives her a bracelet”.  Hopefully, for Tinsley’s sake, it’s at least Cartier.  The delivery of Sonja’s lines are timed with such unintentional perfection that Meryl Streep should be concerned for her job.

Don’t Eat The Chicken!

RHONY somehow achieved it.  I am not sure how, but the women of New York managed to outdo themselves once again and produce one of the best episodes in recent RHONY history.  

MVP of the Episode

Leah McSweeney

I have a feeling that Leah will be MVP multiple times this season, but this week she earned the title by a landslide.  

The episode starts off with Ramona giving her half-ass apology to Luann after treating her like trash.  Ramona has a broken record in the apology department.  She lives by the mantra ‘act now, apologize later’ but not in an impressive, inspiring way.  In typical Ramona fashion, she apologizes profusely and kisses Luann’s ass in the process.  It’s so transparent that it’s almost comical at this point. However, in the end, it gets the job done.  

Next, we welcome Adriano, Ramona’s svelte and foreign tennis instructor, to the cougar’s den.  When it comes to men, Luann is like a thief in the night.   She is instantly attracted to Adriano and shoots her shot. While I applaud her confidence, he immediately turns her down in the most cringeworthy, direct way.  However, she has no shame in her game and proceeds to hit on Sonja’s dog groomer in the following scene.  I can’t even make fun of her, because I wish I had her resilience.

The ladies begin drinking frozé (frozen rosé) in the early afternoon and Dorinda tries to trick Luann, a current member of AA, to drink it as well.  I don’t use the word ‘alcoholic’ to describe Luann since, like the other ladies, I don’t believe she is one.  I do think she was going through a terribly difficult time after her divorce from Tom and used alcohol to cope with her issues. And honestly, who could blame her!  That is why I do not feel bad saying that I wish Luann took the bait.  I guess we’ll have to wait until later in the season for her to ‘fall off the wagon’.  

Another side note, Ramona is a terrible hostess.  Period. She calls out her guests for not cooking or cleaning while making them feel guilty in the process.  Ramona proceeds to verbally berate Leah after accusing her of not setting the table to include silverware.  If any of the other housewives pulled this crap, I would have been flabbergasted and offended for their victims.  However, this is what we’ve come to expect from Satan herself and can’t blame her for this abysmal behavior since we enable it.  Ramona reluctantly decides to blow off her friend’s party and hang out at home with the ladies. She made it appear that she would rather hang out with the girls, while in reality, I think she was too embarrassed to bring them around her cultured, societal friends for a second night in a row. 

The night’s festivities commence and Leah announces how excited she is that they are staying in and won’t have to worry about any ‘weirdo white dudes showing up’.  Almost like clockwork, Jeff, one of Ramona’s Botched-contestant friends, shows up and ruins the all-girl vibe of the evening.  The alcohol starts to slowly creep up on everyone and this ‘girls night’ quickly turns into a middle-aged, botox-infused frat party for the ages.  The ladies play champagne-pong while Sonja starts talking about her vibrator, and for a moment, we forget about the deadly pandemic happening around us.  

Ramona continues to stir the pot and confesses to a highly intoxicated Dorinda that her boyfriend, John, has been giving his number to many of her girlfriends.  We all hate John, but telling Dorinda after 5 glasses of frozé is the wrong time.  Know your audience, Ramona.  

In an obvious transition of events, Tinsley, Leah and Sonja skinny dip while drinking champagne out of the bottle like the classy bitches they are.  When they get back inside, they are three sheets to the wind and probably, for their own dignity, should have gone to bed.

Ramona then LEAVES HER GUESTS AT HER OWN HOUSE TO GO TO THE PARTY she claimed she didn’t want to attend.  Again, not shocking but let’s just say she deserved what happened next…

Suddenly, Sonja brings up the ‘trophy wife’ subject to Eloise, who magically appeared in Ramona’s house. This woman is salivating for the opportunity to hold an apple next season. I am unsure what happened next to cause this, but Leah freaking lost it.  She starts screaming at Sonja and Tinsley how it’s time for them to drop their famous surnames (Mortimer and Morgan) since they’ve been divorced for years.  I truly believe Leah was trying to help, but her delivery was way off the mark.  Also, I feel bad that Tinsley is always getting dragged into these arguments.  She never purposefully starts a fight but is such an easy target, that she’s often used as the scapegoat.  Eloise then drops the best line of the night. “‘If this group went into group therapy, the therapist would commit suicide.”  Props to her.  I always give credit where credit is due. 

We fast forward to the following morning, and the entire house is in complete disarray.  While Dorinda and Sonja put on their face masks without a care in the world, the Devil incarnate, Ramona, returns home to a disaster in her kitchen. There’s broken glass, empty wine bottles and, the kicker, a vibrator in the chicken. 

If I’m being honest, I wish they gave more of a backstory on that.

We follow Ramona outside and there’s an empty champagne bottle in the pool, more broken glass and tiki torches strewn over the lawn.  Ramona loses it and calls the women disrespectful. However, the trusty producers have previous season material up their sleeves and are ready to use it.  We flashback to season 9 when Ramona destroyed Dorinda’s Berkshire room by ripping the light fixtures off the wall.  I hate to say it, Ramona, but karma is a bitch, and I have ZERO sympathy for your situation.  

The final scene is Tinsley passed out in her bed with a plate of uneaten pasta beside her.  This is the first and probably only time I will ever relate to Tinsley Mortimer.

I can't believe I’m saying this, but I think we need a ‘filler’ episode next week.  We’re only on the third episode, and they are already giving us major reunion-level vibes.  While I appreciate it, we can’t have them burning out midseason.

Take The Pills, And Be Happy

RHOBH has a genius way of keeping the audience intrigued while not having any semblance of a storyline whatsoever.  After finishing this episode, I realized that nothing of substance actually occurred but still managed to keep me entertained the entire time. 

MVP of the Episode

Dorit Kemsely

Let me preface this by saying that I was never a Dorit fan before this current season.  She has always been very pretentious and disingenuous since she started in season 7.  However, she has shown us something different in these first two episodes. After months of countless media reports on Dorit and PK’s possible bankruptcy, we open this episode with her moving into a massive, multi-million dollar mansion.  Which makes me beg the question: how in the world are they affording this house?

I won’t bore you with the legal jargon, but I’ve linked an article to fill you in on all the specifics.  They didn’t really explain what happened or where they currently stand financially, but Dorit announces that she put the house in her name.  This is why she’s the MVP of the episode.  Now, I still have no idea how she afforded this monstrosity given that her only source of income is her bathing suit line, Beverly Beach, but the bitch still impressed me.   I love how she’s flipping the narrative on social norms and shaking up societal standards.  I’m getting B.D.E. vibes from her, and think we’re in for a much more relatable Dorit this season.

I probably shouldn’t have taken a sip of my cocktail right before PK’s season debut since I nearly choked on it after seeing his new ‘look’.  In their confessional, I honest to god thought she was sitting next to Boy George (a.k.a PK’s musical protégé).  I know he’s going through a rough time financially, but by the looks of it, it’s even darker than anyone expected.  

Next up, we visit Garcelle’s new house and she is seen drinking champagne out of a metal straw.  Can she get any more iconic? The answer is yes, yes she can.  She then drops the proverbial mic and reveals her revenge story on her cheating ex-husband, Mike Nilon.  Long story short, she found out he was having a 5-year affair and emailed all his friends and colleagues at the company he worked for at the time (which just happened to be world-renowned talent agency, CAA).  She cleverly titled the e-mail ‘Tiger Woods, Jesse James/ Mike Nilon’ and detailed the entire affair.  The email ended up getting ‘leaked’ to the press and practically destroyed Mike’s reputation.  This, my friend, is how legends are made.  We bow down.

Unfortunately, Sutton does not seem to be going anywhere anytime soon and enjoys a night out with Kyle.  I really despise this woman.  She is not only tasteless and affected, but she also has this infuriatingly kitschy air about her that I simply cannot stand. I am really hoping she doesn’t become a staple this season and quickly evaporates from the Bravo-verse all together.  With each housewife on every franchise I watch, I try to find at least one positive trait in each of them (and trust me, sometimes it’s a very hard search) to see if we would ever be friends in real life.  I know, I need a life. I sadly, do not see one attribute I like in this woman.  Even her name is snobby. 

**The only thing we would agree on is how we take our Cosmos.  Mostly vodka, with a splash of cranberry.  

Next, we have the pleasure of seeing Denise and her husband, Aaron.  Even though this is probably not scientifically possible (sorry Denise but you are 49), I desperately want these two to make a baby.  With their genetically beautiful genes, it just doesn’t seem right for them to withhold an equally beautiful spawn.  Denise starts discussing her legal troubles with her ex-husband, Charlie (as in Sheen), and it solidifies her position as the chillest housewife, and maybe human, on the planet.  Not only does she not talk badly about Charlie to the press or to her children, she has also NEVER ASKED FOR CHILD SUPPORT. 

I need to know her astrological sign because it has to be on the complete opposite spectrum of mine.  Later in the episode, she has surgery on her four hernias.  She honestly looks better after that surgery than I do on my best day.  Life is just not fair.  

We then meet Erika and Marcelle at lunch.  These two are the duo we never knew we needed.  I know Garcelle has been on television for years, but she is already a reality pro.  She’s so refreshing to watch because of the rare authenticity and honesty she brings to the show. It’s clear she’s portraying her real self and not trying to be outrageous just to get screen time.   Bravo must have hired new casting directors because Garcelle and Leah (from RHONY) are freaking gold.   Erika starts talking about her husband and breaks down because of her love for him.  Later in the episode, she breaks down again after Tom tells her how proud he is of her lead role in Chicago on Broadway.  Say what you want about their 30-year age gap, but these two have real love for each other.  I think we’re going to see a more vulnerable side of Erika and, personally, cannot wait. 

I will speed over this next part since I don’t want to bore my audience discussing Teddi.  I honestly don’t know why Teddi is still on the show.  Her main storyline this episode was planning a fucking retreat.  Can she fit the ‘Karen’ stereotype any more perfectly?  I feel like she’s the type of person who would coordinate a book club with the other moms in the neighborhood, not allow alcohol, and then contact the author if she didn’t like the ending.  Also, even though Teddi is pregnant, is it bad to talk about how terrible her outfit was at Sutton’s party?  I don’t get how you can be so rich, and yet, so poor with taste.  It’s a travesty in my book.

On the way to Sutton’s clothing launch party, Lisa Rinna and Teddi ride together.  Is it a right of passage for women with too much money and time on their hands to create clothing lines (i.e. Kyle & Dorit)?  I’m asking for a friend.  Lisa announces that she has to ‘come clean’ about something. Every time Lisa has a confession or needs to ‘be honest’, we know we’re in for a good time.  Lisa flat out tells Teddi, like the unapologetic boss she is, that she’s relieved she has other plans to excuse her from going to Teddi’s retreat.  Does anyone else think Lisa had a Xanax smoothie beforehand based on her super calm and relaxed demeanor? 

Sutton somehow becomes even more intolerable at her own party and starts bragging about how the mayor of Hollywood is there to introduce her.  No one even knew there was a mayor of Hollywood and by this point, I’m cringing so hard, I just need the episode to end.  Erika is clearly not here for this new-money bullshit broad, and neither are we.

Next week, the Denise drama starts brewing and I’m reluctantly optimistic to see how this story unfolds.

In a World Full of Ramonas, Be a Sonja

Just when I think that RHONY can’t top itself, it comes out with an absolute BANGER of an episode.  There is so much to unpack, I am not even sure where to begin.   I know I’ve said this before, but this spectacular group of women truly give it their all in every sense of the word and we really don’t deserve them. 

Episode MVP

Sonja Morgan

The episode starts with the women getting ready to go to the Wolffer Estate Vineyard for wine tasting and notice that Luann has left to go to the chiropractor.  My only question is why Luann had a chiropractor appointment on a weekend trip to the Hamptons. I mean, knowing The Countess, she was probably having a love tryst.  You do you, girl.

When they arrive at the winery, everyone orders wine (shocking) while our favorite boozer, Sonja, orders a gin & tonic.   I personally order Cosmos at brunch so I think this makes us kindred spirits at heart. Then, the always self-aware, Ramona, comes up with the brilliant idea for everyone to go around the table and divulge their biggest insecurity.  

I have a few takeaways from this scene:

1. Ramona needs a new tagline this season. This is the SECOND time in the first three episodes that she breaks down over being alone.

2. Tinsley is the most tragic housewife I’ve seen in a while.  I’m convinced she lives a dark, double life. There’s a reason someone that beautiful is still alone at 44.  

3. I think Dorinda’s boyfriend, John, is up to no good.  She is scared of something, and it has to be that sweaty, coke addicted meatball of a man.

After the winery, they go home and get ready for the party at the $30, no, $39 MILLION mansion.  Ugh, stab me with a spoon. While everyone takes a nap and drinks some coffee to sober up, Sonja ain’t no bitch and continues drinking.  By the time everyone leaves for the party, Sonja is already slurring her words. This is going to be a good night.  

They arrive at the mansion and the party resembles an episode of The Twilight Zone.  The greeter, David, opens the door and looks like a future contestant on the show, Botched.  He can’t even move his face because of all the Botox and fillers he’s injected and, unfortunately, the other attendees don’t look much better.  

Disclaimer: ABSOLUTELY no judgement on Botox and fillers when DONE RIGHT. I fully intend on getting a little tune-up myself when my bank account increases.   

Also, I grew up in Fairfield County, so I was unfortunately subjected to similar parties, though not to this extent.  The pretentiousness was out of control and it was almost cringe-worthy to sit through. However, these women (besides Ramona, of course) are the most self aware bunch of all the franchises and called the bullshit out.  Meanwhile, Sonja is completely offended that they don’t have gin at the party and starts accosting the bartender. Joe Farrell, the owner of the $39 MILLION DOLLAR MANSION, makes an ‘unfashionably late’ entrance wearing a pair of PURPLE pants two sizes too small.

***For those who didn’t watch, I’m mentioning the price of the mansion because Ramona brought it up about 500 times.

During all of this, Ramona is acting like a Stepford wife from Hell.  She is clearly embarrassed by her castmates and is acting as if a robot named Karen took over her body.  Yes, RHONY would not be the masterpiece it is without her, but Ramona is the actual spawn of Satan.   

What happens next, needs to be seen in order to be believed.  But I will do my best to recap. 

Joe, like a true narcissist, takes the women on a tour of his house.  In all honesty, the house really is beautiful, but what gets the women most excited is the bowling alley of all things.  I have nothing against bowling alleys per say, but their level of excitement didn’t match what the audience was seeing.  

My new favorite housewife, Leah, then drops the most emasculating but honest statement of the episode. 

“Men can be short and unattractive and still have women running after them if they have money”. 

I do feel a little bad for Joe if he watches this episode. Even though he seemed like a Grade-A douchebag, he didn’t REALLY do anything rude or disrespectful to warrant that insult.  But you can’t hate the player, Joe, hate the game. 

Then, in what can only be described as a drunken spectacle for the ages, Sonja throws down on all the pompous party goers.  Her alcohol finally catches up to her and all hell breaks loose. She starts screaming about her self-grooming habits, tries to have sex with a Vineyard Vines wearing 25-year old, and hits on a married man with a baby (in her defense, she didn’t know he was married OR had a baby). 

Does anyone know who this Elyse bitch is and why she is trying to nudge her way onto the show? Also, why was she able to dress like a hoe when everyone else had to act like they were meeting the Queen of fucking England?

They somehow all leave the party in one piece without any gentleman suitors in tow.  My only issue with this episode was the lack of footage back at the house that night.  Did the production team just decide to go to bed and miss the opportunity to continue filming the potential train wreck?

Anyway, everyone wakes up to find Luann gone.  She feels that she is always treated as the lowest man on the totem pole, which she kind of is, so decided to go back to her multi-million dollar Hamptons mansion.  She’s incredibly pissed that Ramona put her in the basement that is ‘filled with spiders and smells like dog piss’. Is it mean to say that I feel like all of Ramona’s rooms smell like dog piss?

If you can even believe it, next week looks even crazier.  Click on the link to check out the preview! 

If you don’t believe me, the final scene has Leah saying “there’s a vibrator in the chicken”.  I will definitely be pre-gaming before this glorious shit show.

There’s A New ‘B’ In Town

The RHONY premiere proved to me why this franchise is my favorite.  It’s hard to wrap my head around everything that happened, but I am going to try my best to breeze through the highlights.  Get your tequila sodas ready!

The episode started with the ladies discussing Bethenny’s departure for a total of 30 seconds.  I get that the producers might be pissed that she left so abruptly, but this OG deserved a better exit in my opinion.  However, they made up for this serious faux pas by putting together a lovely compilation of every scene where Bethenny calls Luanne a whore, slut and drunk who ‘runs in fields in négligé’. I have said it once and I will say it a million times, these producers need an Emmy for their work.

RIP Bethenny- You Will Be Missed

Then came the taglines.  Personally, I would never want to run into any of these ladies in a dark alley because they would frankly kick my ass.  Even Tinsley, the wannabe Barbie, has gone to jail for stalking her ex and would definitely throw down if need be.  However, their PC, vanilla taglines this season do not align with their reputation at all.  Dorinda’s didn’t even make sense! 

‘I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong”.  How many dirty martinis did she have before coming up with that one?  Leah’s, the new housewife, was the only acceptable one (more on her later). 

On the topic of taglines, Ramona’s this season is “I don’t need to find love.  I love myself.”  This could not have been further from the truth when she was seen full-on convulsing at a bar because of how desperately she wants a man in her life.  It was so cringeworthy for me to witness that I started to sweat from every orifice in my body.  If this wasn’t an act, girl needs a Klonopin STAT. 

Next up, Tinsley, the 18-year old trophy wife aspirant, stuck in a 44-year olds body.  While I do think she makes a good housewife, she’s also annoying and needy AF.  Side note- did anyone else think that Martin, the man that Tinsley boxed with in her first scene, looked like ‘The Mountain’ from Game of Thrones? 

Anyway, she announces that she’s dating a new guy named, Bruce, with younger kids.  I really don’t understand the timeline of this since this episode was filmed at the end of the summer.  She’s acting like she’s very serious with Bruce but she gets back together and engaged to Scott a few months later?  Something doesn’t add up and I’m fully convinced she’s either a sugar baby or a mail-ordered bride for Scott. Scott, some wise words from our dearly departed Bethenny Frankel…

I can fully admit when I am wrong, and damn, was I wrong about Leah.  She is a badass bitch with zero filter and I am totally here for it.  I love her entire demeanor and authenticity to tell it like it is.  My love for her was solidified when she admitted to losing her Chanel bag and passport after a night of heavy drinking.  As a girl who has lost multiple cell phones and wallets after partaking in one too many cocktails, I can relate to this on a deep level.  Also, she was arrested in her 20s for assaulting an officer who, in turn, knocked her front teeth out.  She ended up suing the cops and received a $75,000 settlement which she used to open her business.  If that’s not a boss ass bitch, I’m not sure what is.

Throughout the episode, we learn that Tinsley and Dorinda have not been in the best place with their friendship.  Tinsley has accused Dorinda of going around and spreading conspiracy theories about her and Scott.  Are they really considered conspiracy theories if they are true?

Dorinda did not take this accusation well and started going after Tinsley.  They bantered back and forth for a bit before Dorinda condescendingly complimented Tinsley’s lashes of all things and walked away.  However, the fight did not end there.  Dorinda then goes over to the other ladies and continues to talk about Tinsley before she overhears and defends herself.  Since the argument still isn’t going anywhere, Dorinda leaves to go mingle with her other guests.  As Dorinda is walking away, she SLIGHTLY stumbles on her shoes and Tinsley publicly shames her for it.  She screams, “Don’t trip!” and comments how Dorinda’s shoes look a little ‘too big’.  A diss for the ages right there.

Then, Dorinda says a line that will GO DOWN in Real Housewives history.

“Well, the difference is, honey, I bought them.  I never laid on my back for them.”

BOOM. MIC DROP. EPISODE DONE.

It took me a few moments to come down from that shocking moment.  I can’t believe this was only the first episode, but I didn’t expect anything less from these women.  I did miss Bethany’s witty comebacks and charming pessimism, but Leah seems ready to hold her own.   I am confident these women will get us through the quarantine, even if half of us are alcoholics by the end of it. 

Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing

I am sure that every Vanderpump Rules fan can agree that Brittany and Jax’s wedding extravaganza lasted longer than their actual marriage will.  I did not write any posts about their wedding because, frankly, I did not care. I do, however, have some final thoughts on Brittany and the pastor controversy.  Everyone knows that Jax is a POS.  He has never tried to hide that fact and we have come to accept him as a terrible human being. Brittany, on the other hand, has always been perceived as a delicate angel sent from Hooters who can do no wrong.  Up until this season, I was also drinking the Brittany kool-aid.  However, she has shown her true colors and I am now convinced she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.  This will be the last time I talk about the pastor, but she 100% knew about his bigoted tweets.  Also, anyone who willingly decides to marry Jax has some major personal issues of their own.  I am officially done talking about this shit show of a couple and am onto the episode.

The first scene opens up at a pool-party funeral for Schwartz’ pet lizard who tragically passes away.  Yes, you heard that right.  I know this season has not been as eventful as previous ones, but is Bravo really that limited on material that this scene needed to last 10 minutes?  Sandoval drinking out of a brown paper bag encapsulated my overall feelings about the lizard funeral and pushed me to drink even more. 

While Schwartz is mourning his lizard, the new cast tries to keep themselves relevant anyway they can.  Ferret-faced Max starts complaining about SUR manager, Danica, for talking about him behind his back.  I literally had to Google who Danica was because I didn’t recognize the name.  Apparently, she’s been on the show since the beginning of the season, but because she’s so unimportant, I didn’t remember her.  Can we just cancel this new cast?  Yes, they are nice to look at but they are so uninteresting it makes me want to bang my head through a plate glass window.  They are obviously acting for the camera and I am over it.

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Lala invites Raquel for coffee. I was so obsessed with the ambience of the coffee shop they were at that I stalked Raquel’s Instagram to find the name of it.  It’s one of the most basic restaurants I’ve ever scene, and you can bet your ass I’ll be visiting it when I move to LA.  I personally don’t have a problem with Raquel.  She is definitely not the sharpest tack in the drawer, but she means well.  I also give her major props for standing up to Lala.   Lala, on the other hand, is a different story.  She is the quintessential mean girl who thinks she’s important because of her ‘killer BJs’ (her words not mine) and the fact that she’s engaged to a mediocre producer.   Her entire demeanor and lack of empathy in this scene is so condescending and tactless; it almost made me believe she was jealous of Raquel.   I’m sure many people will disagree with me on this, but a part of me thinks Lala is in love with James in some sick, twisted way. 

The episode ended at Sandoval’s Extra AF birthday party.  No, this is not an adjective I gave to describe the party, but the actual theme.  Say what you want about Sandoval, but he is probably the only fully authentic person on the show.  Yes, he acts and looks like a tool most of the time, but at least owns it.

Later at the birthday party, Stassi, Katie and Kristen have a discussion about the future of their wine brand, Witches of Weho.  (Has anyone actually tried this wine? I’m tempted but it’s ‘sold out’ pretty much everywhere.  Sold out is in quotations because I’m skeptical that it actually is ‘sold out’).  Anyway, Kristen continues to play the victim, talks about how ‘busy’ she is and how she needs help with the social media marketing for the brand.  Oh, how I WISH I had these problems. 

Queen Stassi came out with a quote so good, I’m tempted to put it on my tombstone.  She said “Kristen worships failures and relishes in defeat”.  This rang very true to me since we all know a Kristen.  I don’t believe Kristen wants to change her circumstances because she enjoys feeling sorry for herself too much.  I also thought I would be sad about the dissolution of the trio, but I felt nothing.  I was numb.  Karma is finally serving Kristen what she deserves and I am so here for it. 

I only want to briefly touch on James’ newfound sobriety because I clearly have no knowledge or basis to discuss it at length.  I will always root for him and I truly believe he wants to become sober.  But maybe he shouldn’t be going to these alcohol-infused parties with assholes who do not care about his well-being whatsoever.  It doesn’t seem like the smartest decision BUT what do I know.

My final thought on the episode: Was Sandoval’s final costume change at his party Benjamin Franklin?  If so, he did Benny boy proud. 

Jaxhole of the Year

Tuesday was a sad night for VPR fans. In this week’s episode, Jax officially kicked Sandavol out of his bridal party. To pour salt in the proverbial wounds of viewers around the world, he then disinvited Sandavol to his wedding altogether because of their over-dramatic blow out last week.

This episode started off with Brittany, Brittany’s mom and Jax figuring out the seating arrangements 10 days before their wedding. I have never been married nor do I plan to any time in the near future, but is this customary to do less than two weeks before a wedding?

Anyway, Jax had his knickers in a knot due to the fact that Sandavol hadn’t reached out to him since their fight. Lest we forget that Sandavol forgave Jax a few seasons ago for sleeping with his girlfriend at the time, Kristen. (I am not sure how this is relevant to the episode, but I felt the need to bring it up.) Jax then decides to go to SUR to tell Sandavol that he’s disinvited to the wedding in the most off-centered, arrogant way possible.

The best part of this scene is when Jax drives off…in a MUSTANG! Like, of course Jax drives a Mustang. Why would he not drive a Mustang? This solidifies his ‘jaxholeness’ and my hatred for him even more. (No offense to anyone with a Mustang. I’m sure they are great cars.)

*** I was just told that there’s a chance he was driving a Challenger Hellcat, not a Mustang. Unfortunately, this does not change my opinion of him. He will always be a certified d-bag in my eyes.

I am ashamed to say that I teared up a little when Sandavol and Schwartz were crying with each other over Jax disinviting him to the wedding. I hope I’m wrong, but this altercation is starting to appear like the end of an era between the boys. It’s not looking good.

In more exciting news, this week Randall Emmett was finally introduced onto the show. Now I have to admit, I was living for the Fifty Cent aka ‘Fofty' Feud over the summer and may or more not have recapped the play-by-play on my social media. I also feel a little bad rehashing it now but here we are. Thank you TMZ for always being my resource for receipts. See below for the profound text exchange between Randall and ‘Fofty’.

For those of you wondering why this incredible feud hasn’t been brought up ad nauseam during this season (besides when our resident alcoholic DJ, James Kennedy, made fun of it), our favorite basic bitch filled us in. Apparently, there were so many legal issues surrounding this feud that Bravo did not want to touch it with a 10 foot poll.

I went into this episode not wanting to like Randall. I really, really tried. But I admit when I am wrong, and can now say with certainty that I am fully aboard the Randall train. While I am currently not emotionally damaged enough to listen to Lala and Rand’s podcast, we’ll see if that changes as we approach the rest of the season. In a very strange turn of events, Jax asked Randall to be in his wedding party. A look of shock ran across Randall’s face as he quickly contemplated how his life got to this point. For those who don’t know him, Randall was a producer on the Oscar nominated film, The Irishman. Being asked as the backup groomsman in Jax Taylor’s wedding is quite the upgrade from working with up-and-coming director, Martin Scorsese.

I am only going to briefly touch on the new cast since I really can’t stand any of them (besides Dayna). Charli might be the most annoyingly pretentious, self-absorbed person on this show, which is saying A LOT since we are dealing with a handful of Grade A narcissists. Her only claim to fame is that she’s a Scheana-wannabe who brags about never having tried pasta because of the ‘carbs’. Cool. You seem like a very well-rounded individual who I would love to be friends with.

Personally, I think Dayna can do A LOT BETTER than Max. Max was probably unpopular and disliked by the ladies in high school. He then somehow got an amazing job as a manager at one of the hottest bars in LA which also happens to be a television show and is now inclined to be a womanizing POS. I’m sorry, but looks-wise, he reminds me of a coked-out ferret. Let’s not forget about his horrifically racist tweets from a few years back. Suffice it to say, Max either needs to be fired OR punched in the face IMMEDIATELY.

***Side note, I realize that I have talked about punching people in the face in my first two recaps, but I swear, I don’t have violent tendencies (that I know of).

Next week, Brittany and Jax’s wedding festivities commence in Kentucky. I am praying (no pun intended) that the pastor topic is NOT brought up again since they are beating this thing to death. I’m also really hoping drunk Kristen brings her A-game. We need some new material.

It’s All About The Pastor

It is only appropriate that my first recap post be about my favorite Bravo show, Vanderpump Rules. I also appreciate the producers for bringing back season 6’s infamous “It’s Not About the Pasta” tagline. Can we all agree that it MOST definitely was about the pasta? For those of you not familiar, there was a rumor that ‘pasta’ was a code name for a white powdery illegal substance (even though several of the cast denied this). But I think it’s true, because let’s be real, these skinny bitches aren’t eating any pasta.

I need to use this sidebar to reveal another unpopular opinion: James Kennedy is the hero we all need in this tumultuous time in our country. His manic, offensive outbursts bring me a joy I never knew I needed but have always craved. He is an oracle into the future, an enigma if you will, who must be protected at all costs. I know i't’s coming, but I am not looking forward to the day he quits drinking and stops eating ‘pasta’.

This episode started out with LVP waking up to numerous DMs and tweets regarding Jax and Brittany’s 15th century pastor. For those of you living under a rock, let me catch you up. Their pastor tweeted incredibly hateful, homophobic comments that were uncovered back in January of 2019. Fast forward four months, more tweets were exposed days before Jax and Brittany’s wedding which prompted the Twitterverse to bombard and question LGBTQ ally, Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa was obviously very upset by this and insisted that Brittany and Jax hire a new pastor. This is where things got a little dicey so buckle up.

Let me start by saying Ariana and Tom were the overall MVP’s of this episode and Jax and Brittany need to CHILL. THE. EFF. OUT. At Peter’s birthday party (why is this dude even still on the show), Sandoval confronts Jax and calmly asks him why they waited for Lisa to intervene before firing their pastor. This causes Jax to FREAK OUT and act completely offended by Sandoval’s very reasonable inquiry. Jax then goes over to Brittany and instigates a larger fight which quickly spirals out of control in typical VPR fashion. Meanwhile, Brittany is already having a mental breakdown in the corner because of mean comments on her Instagram by trolls making fun of her princess-themed bridal party. Oh, and this was right after Brittany announced that my childhood crush, Lance Bass, offered to officiate their wedding.

Brittany, can we try to have a little self awareness, please? After Jax caused all this drama, I was really hoping Sandavol would punch him in the face, most likely prompting Jax’s FOURTH nose job. Yes, you heard that right. I still can’t afford my first one, but I’m not bitter.

I truly thought that the rest of the crew would side with Sandoval, but instead, everyone turned on him. Stassi, you usually do no wrong in my eyes, but I think you were out of line on this one. It kind of felt like you were jumping on the bandwagon, maybe since you’re still pissed about what went down at your book signing. Also, I know you were trying to be funny, but I did not quite get your Game of Thrones reference. #sorrynotsorry. You’re still my favorite though.

In the end, I am truly confused as to why everyone feels the need to defend Brittany over everything and everyone. Frankly, it’s getting really annoying and there NEEDS to be a new plot line ASAP. Brittany has made her bed by forgiving Jax over and over again, and now she needs to deal with the HOT mess.

To quote the wise words of poet, Sir Thomas Sandoval: “It’s dangerous to have a group of friends where people are not allowed to speak up when they feel like something’s wrong.”

I love some old fashioned civil discourse, so feel free to comment below if you disagree! Or if you agree. Whatever your sweet heart desires.