In a World Full of Ramonas, Be a Sonja
Just when I think that RHONY can’t top itself, it comes out with an absolute BANGER of an episode. There is so much to unpack, I am not even sure where to begin. I know I’ve said this before, but this spectacular group of women truly give it their all in every sense of the word and we really don’t deserve them. Episode MVP
Sonja Morgan
The episode starts with the women getting ready to go to the Wolffer Estate Vineyard for wine tasting and notice that Luann has left to go to the chiropractor. My only question is why Luann had a chiropractor appointment on a weekend trip to the Hamptons. I mean, knowing The Countess, she was probably having a love tryst. You do you, girl.
When they arrive at the winery, everyone orders wine (shocking) while our favorite boozer, Sonja, orders a gin & tonic. I personally order Cosmos at brunch so I think this makes us kindred spirits at heart. Then, the always self-aware, Ramona, comes up with the brilliant idea for everyone to go around the table and divulge their biggest insecurity.
I have a few takeaways from this scene:
Ramona needs a new tagline this season. This is the SECOND time in the first three episodes that she breaks down over being alone.
Tinsley is the most tragic housewife I’ve seen in a while. I’m convinced she lives a dark, double life. There’s a reason someone that beautiful is still alone at 44.
I think Dorinda’s boyfriend, John, is up to no good. She is scared of something, and it has to be that sweaty, coke addicted meatball of a man.
After the winery, they go home and get ready for the party at the $30, no, $39 MILLION mansion. Ugh, stab me with a spoon. While everyone takes a nap and drinks some coffee to sober up, Sonja ain’t no bitch and continues drinking. By the time everyone leaves for the party, Sonja is already slurring her words. This is going to be a good night.
They arrive at the mansion and the party resembles an episode of The Twilight Zone. The greeter, David, opens the door and looks like a future contestant on the show, Botched. He can’t even move his face because of all the Botox and fillers he’s injected and, unfortunately, the other attendees don’t look much better.
Disclaimer: ABSOLUTELY no judgement on Botox and fillers when DONE RIGHT. I fully intend on getting a little tune-up myself when my bank account increases.
Also, I grew up in Fairfield County, so I was unfortunately subjected to similar parties, though not to this extent. The pretentiousness was out of control and it was almost cringe-worthy to sit through. However, these women (besides Ramona, of course) are the most self aware bunch of all the franchises and called the bullshit out. Meanwhile, Sonja is completely offended that they don’t have gin at the party and starts accosting the bartender. Joe Farrell, the owner of the $39 MILLION DOLLAR MANSION, makes an ‘unfashionably late’ entrance wearing a pair of PURPLE pants two sizes too small.
***For those who didn’t watch, I’m mentioning the price of the mansion because Ramona brought it up about 500 times.
During all of this, Ramona is acting like a Stepford wife from Hell. She is clearly embarrassed by her castmates and is acting as if a robot named Karen took over her body. Yes, RHONY would not be the masterpiece it is without her, but Ramona is the actual spawn of Satan.
What happens next, needs to be seen in order to be believed. But I will do my best to recap.
Joe, like a true narcissist, takes the women on a tour of his house. In all honesty, the house really is beautiful, but what gets the women most excited is the bowling alley of all things. I have nothing against bowling alleys per say, but their level of excitement didn’t match what the audience was seeing.
My new favorite housewife, Leah, then drops the most emasculating but honest statement of the episode.
“Men can be short and unattractive and still have women running after them if they have money”.
I do feel a little bad for Joe if he watches this episode. Even though he seemed like a Grade-A douchebag, he didn’t REALLY do anything rude or disrespectful to warrant that insult. But you can’t hate the player, Joe, hate the game.
Then, in what can only be described as a drunken spectacle for the ages, Sonja throws down on all the pompous party goers. Her alcohol finally catches up to her and all hell breaks loose. She starts screaming about her self-grooming habits, tries to have sex with a Vineyard Vines wearing 25-year old, and hits on a married man with a baby (in her defense, she didn’t know he was married OR had a baby).
Does anyone know who this Elyse bitch is and why she is trying to nudge her way onto the show? Also, why was she able to dress like a hoe when everyone else had to act like they were meeting the Queen of fucking England?
They somehow all leave the party in one piece without any gentleman suitors in tow. My only issue with this episode was the lack of footage back at the house that night. Did the production team just decide to go to bed and miss the opportunity to continue filming the potential train wreck?
Anyway, everyone wakes up to find Luann gone. She feels that she is always treated as the lowest man on the totem pole, which she kind of is, so decided to go back to her multi-million dollar Hamptons mansion. She’s incredibly pissed that Ramona put her in the basement that is ‘filled with spiders and smells like dog piss’. Is it mean to say that I feel like all of Ramona’s rooms smell like dog piss?
If you can even believe it, next week looks even crazier. Click on the link to check out the preview!
If you don’t believe me, the final scene has Leah saying “there’s a vibrator in the chicken”. I will definitely be pre-gaming before this glorious shit show.
