Don’t Eat The Chicken!
RHONY somehow achieved it. I am not sure how, but the women of New York managed to outdo themselves once again and produce one of the best episodes in recent RHONY history.
MVP of the Episode
Leah McSweeney
I have a feeling that Leah will be MVP multiple times this season, but this week she earned the title by a landslide.
The episode starts off with Ramona giving her half-ass apology to Luann after treating her like trash. Ramona has a broken record in the apology department. She lives by the mantra ‘act now, apologize later’ but not in an impressive, inspiring way. In typical Ramona fashion, she apologizes profusely and kisses Luann’s ass in the process. It’s so transparent that it’s almost comical at this point. However, in the end, it gets the job done.
Next, we welcome Adriano, Ramona’s svelte and foreign tennis instructor, to the cougar’s den. When it comes to men, Luann is like a thief in the night. She is instantly attracted to Adriano and shoots her shot. While I applaud her confidence, he immediately turns her down in the most cringeworthy, direct way. However, she has no shame in her game and proceeds to hit on Sonja’s dog groomer in the following scene. I can’t even make fun of her, because I wish I had her resilience.
The ladies begin drinking frozé (frozen rosé) in the early afternoon and Dorinda tries to trick Luann, a current member of AA, to drink it as well. I don’t use the word ‘alcoholic’ to describe Luann since, like the other ladies, I don’t believe she is one. I do think she was going through a terribly difficult time after her divorce from Tom and used alcohol to cope with her issues. And honestly, who could blame her! That is why I do not feel bad saying that I wish Luann took the bait. I guess we’ll have to wait until later in the season for her to ‘fall off the wagon’.
Another side note, Ramona is a terrible hostess. Period. She calls out her guests for not cooking or cleaning while making them feel guilty in the process. Ramona proceeds to verbally berate Leah after accusing her of not setting the table to include silverware. If any of the other housewives pulled this crap, I would have been flabbergasted and offended for their victims. However, this is what we’ve come to expect from Satan herself and can’t blame her for this abysmal behavior since we enable it. Ramona reluctantly decides to blow off her friend’s party and hang out at home with the ladies. She made it appear that she would rather hang out with the girls, while in reality, I think she was too embarrassed to bring them around her cultured, societal friends for a second night in a row.
The night’s festivities commence and Leah announces how excited she is that they are staying in and won’t have to worry about any ‘weirdo white dudes showing up’. Almost like clockwork, Jeff, one of Ramona’s Botched-contestant friends, shows up and ruins the all-girl vibe of the evening. The alcohol starts to slowly creep up on everyone and this ‘girls night’ quickly turns into a middle-aged, botox-infused frat party for the ages. The ladies play champagne-pong while Sonja starts talking about her vibrator, and for a moment, we forget about the deadly pandemic happening around us.
Ramona continues to stir the pot and confesses to a highly intoxicated Dorinda that her boyfriend, John, has been giving his number to many of her girlfriends. We all hate John, but telling Dorinda after 5 glasses of frozé is the wrong time. Know your audience, Ramona.
In an obvious transition of events, Tinsley, Leah and Sonja skinny dip while drinking champagne out of the bottle like the classy bitches they are. When they get back inside, they are three sheets to the wind and probably, for their own dignity, should have gone to bed.
Ramona then LEAVES HER GUESTS AT HER OWN HOUSE TO GO TO THE PARTY she claimed she didn’t want to attend. Again, not shocking but let’s just say she deserved what happened next…
Suddenly, Sonja brings up the ‘trophy wife’ subject to Eloise, who magically appeared in Ramona’s house. This woman is salivating for the opportunity to hold an apple next season. I am unsure what happened next to cause this, but Leah freaking lost it. She starts screaming at Sonja and Tinsley how it’s time for them to drop their famous surnames (Mortimer and Morgan) since they’ve been divorced for years. I truly believe Leah was trying to help, but her delivery was way off the mark. Also, I feel bad that Tinsley is always getting dragged into these arguments. She never purposefully starts a fight but is such an easy target, that she’s often used as the scapegoat. Eloise then drops the best line of the night. “‘If this group went into group therapy, the therapist would commit suicide.” Props to her. I always give credit where credit is due.
We fast forward to the following morning, and the entire house is in complete disarray. While Dorinda and Sonja put on their face masks without a care in the world, the Devil incarnate, Ramona, returns home to a disaster in her kitchen. There’s broken glass, empty wine bottles and, the kicker, a vibrator in the chicken.
If I’m being honest, I wish they gave more of a backstory on that.
We follow Ramona outside and there’s an empty champagne bottle in the pool, more broken glass and tiki torches strewn over the lawn. Ramona loses it and calls the women disrespectful. However, the trusty producers have previous season material up their sleeves and are ready to use it. We flashback to season 9 when Ramona destroyed Dorinda’s Berkshire room by ripping the light fixtures off the wall. I hate to say it, Ramona, but karma is a bitch, and I have ZERO sympathy for your situation.
The final scene is Tinsley passed out in her bed with a plate of uneaten pasta beside her. This is the first and probably only time I will ever relate to Tinsley Mortimer.
I can't believe I’m saying this, but I think we need a ‘filler’ episode next week. We’re only on the third episode, and they are already giving us major reunion-level vibes. While I appreciate it, we can’t have them burning out midseason.
Take The Pills, And Be Happy
RHOBH has a genius way of keeping the audience intrigued while not having any semblance of a storyline whatsoever. After finishing this episode, I realized that nothing of substance actually occurred but still managed to keep me entertained the entire time.
MVP of the Episode
Dorit Kemsely
Let me preface this by saying that I was never a Dorit fan before this current season. She has always been very pretentious and disingenuous since she started in season 7. However, she has shown us something different in these first two episodes. After months of countless media reports on Dorit and PK’s possible bankruptcy, we open this episode with her moving into a massive, multi-million dollar mansion. Which makes me beg the question: how in the world are they affording this house?
I won’t bore you with the legal jargon, but I’ve linked an article to fill you in on all the specifics. They didn’t really explain what happened or where they currently stand financially, but Dorit announces that she put the house in her name. This is why she’s the MVP of the episode. Now, I still have no idea how she afforded this monstrosity given that her only source of income is her bathing suit line, Beverly Beach, but the bitch still impressed me. I love how she’s flipping the narrative on social norms and shaking up societal standards. I’m getting B.D.E. vibes from her, and think we’re in for a much more relatable Dorit this season.
I probably shouldn’t have taken a sip of my cocktail right before PK’s season debut since I nearly choked on it after seeing his new ‘look’. In their confessional, I honest to god thought she was sitting next to Boy George (a.k.a PK’s musical protégé). I know he’s going through a rough time financially, but by the looks of it, it’s even darker than anyone expected.
Next up, we visit Garcelle’s new house and she is seen drinking champagne out of a metal straw. Can she get any more iconic? The answer is yes, yes she can. She then drops the proverbial mic and reveals her revenge story on her cheating ex-husband, Mike Nilon. Long story short, she found out he was having a 5-year affair and emailed all his friends and colleagues at the company he worked for at the time (which just happened to be world-renowned talent agency, CAA). She cleverly titled the e-mail ‘Tiger Woods, Jesse James/ Mike Nilon’ and detailed the entire affair. The email ended up getting ‘leaked’ to the press and practically destroyed Mike’s reputation. This, my friend, is how legends are made. We bow down.
Unfortunately, Sutton does not seem to be going anywhere anytime soon and enjoys a night out with Kyle. I really despise this woman. She is not only tasteless and affected, but she also has this infuriatingly kitschy air about her that I simply cannot stand. I am really hoping she doesn’t become a staple this season and quickly evaporates from the Bravo-verse all together. With each housewife on every franchise I watch, I try to find at least one positive trait in each of them (and trust me, sometimes it’s a very hard search) to see if we would ever be friends in real life. I know, I need a life. I sadly, do not see one attribute I like in this woman. Even her name is snobby.
**The only thing we would agree on is how we take our Cosmos. Mostly vodka, with a splash of cranberry.
Next, we have the pleasure of seeing Denise and her husband, Aaron. Even though this is probably not scientifically possible (sorry Denise but you are 49), I desperately want these two to make a baby. With their genetically beautiful genes, it just doesn’t seem right for them to withhold an equally beautiful spawn. Denise starts discussing her legal troubles with her ex-husband, Charlie (as in Sheen), and it solidifies her position as the chillest housewife, and maybe human, on the planet. Not only does she not talk badly about Charlie to the press or to her children, she has also NEVER ASKED FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
I need to know her astrological sign because it has to be on the complete opposite spectrum of mine. Later in the episode, she has surgery on her four hernias. She honestly looks better after that surgery than I do on my best day. Life is just not fair.
We then meet Erika and Marcelle at lunch. These two are the duo we never knew we needed. I know Garcelle has been on television for years, but she is already a reality pro. She’s so refreshing to watch because of the rare authenticity and honesty she brings to the show. It’s clear she’s portraying her real self and not trying to be outrageous just to get screen time. Bravo must have hired new casting directors because Garcelle and Leah (from RHONY) are freaking gold. Erika starts talking about her husband and breaks down because of her love for him. Later in the episode, she breaks down again after Tom tells her how proud he is of her lead role in Chicago on Broadway. Say what you want about their 30-year age gap, but these two have real love for each other. I think we’re going to see a more vulnerable side of Erika and, personally, cannot wait.
I will speed over this next part since I don’t want to bore my audience discussing Teddi. I honestly don’t know why Teddi is still on the show. Her main storyline this episode was planning a fucking retreat. Can she fit the ‘Karen’ stereotype any more perfectly? I feel like she’s the type of person who would coordinate a book club with the other moms in the neighborhood, not allow alcohol, and then contact the author if she didn’t like the ending. Also, even though Teddi is pregnant, is it bad to talk about how terrible her outfit was at Sutton’s party? I don’t get how you can be so rich, and yet, so poor with taste. It’s a travesty in my book.
On the way to Sutton’s clothing launch party, Lisa Rinna and Teddi ride together. Is it a right of passage for women with too much money and time on their hands to create clothing lines (i.e. Kyle & Dorit)? I’m asking for a friend. Lisa announces that she has to ‘come clean’ about something. Every time Lisa has a confession or needs to ‘be honest’, we know we’re in for a good time. Lisa flat out tells Teddi, like the unapologetic boss she is, that she’s relieved she has other plans to excuse her from going to Teddi’s retreat. Does anyone else think Lisa had a Xanax smoothie beforehand based on her super calm and relaxed demeanor?
Sutton somehow becomes even more intolerable at her own party and starts bragging about how the mayor of Hollywood is there to introduce her. No one even knew there was a mayor of Hollywood and by this point, I’m cringing so hard, I just need the episode to end. Erika is clearly not here for this new-money bullshit broad, and neither are we.
Next week, the Denise drama starts brewing and I’m reluctantly optimistic to see how this story unfolds.
In a World Full of Ramonas, Be a Sonja
Just when I think that RHONY can’t top itself, it comes out with an absolute BANGER of an episode. There is so much to unpack, I am not even sure where to begin. I know I’ve said this before, but this spectacular group of women truly give it their all in every sense of the word and we really don’t deserve them. Episode MVP
Sonja Morgan
The episode starts with the women getting ready to go to the Wolffer Estate Vineyard for wine tasting and notice that Luann has left to go to the chiropractor. My only question is why Luann had a chiropractor appointment on a weekend trip to the Hamptons. I mean, knowing The Countess, she was probably having a love tryst. You do you, girl.
When they arrive at the winery, everyone orders wine (shocking) while our favorite boozer, Sonja, orders a gin & tonic. I personally order Cosmos at brunch so I think this makes us kindred spirits at heart. Then, the always self-aware, Ramona, comes up with the brilliant idea for everyone to go around the table and divulge their biggest insecurity.
I have a few takeaways from this scene:
Ramona needs a new tagline this season. This is the SECOND time in the first three episodes that she breaks down over being alone.
Tinsley is the most tragic housewife I’ve seen in a while. I’m convinced she lives a dark, double life. There’s a reason someone that beautiful is still alone at 44.
I think Dorinda’s boyfriend, John, is up to no good. She is scared of something, and it has to be that sweaty, coke addicted meatball of a man.
After the winery, they go home and get ready for the party at the $30, no, $39 MILLION mansion. Ugh, stab me with a spoon. While everyone takes a nap and drinks some coffee to sober up, Sonja ain’t no bitch and continues drinking. By the time everyone leaves for the party, Sonja is already slurring her words. This is going to be a good night.
They arrive at the mansion and the party resembles an episode of The Twilight Zone. The greeter, David, opens the door and looks like a future contestant on the show, Botched. He can’t even move his face because of all the Botox and fillers he’s injected and, unfortunately, the other attendees don’t look much better.
Disclaimer: ABSOLUTELY no judgement on Botox and fillers when DONE RIGHT. I fully intend on getting a little tune-up myself when my bank account increases.
Also, I grew up in Fairfield County, so I was unfortunately subjected to similar parties, though not to this extent. The pretentiousness was out of control and it was almost cringe-worthy to sit through. However, these women (besides Ramona, of course) are the most self aware bunch of all the franchises and called the bullshit out. Meanwhile, Sonja is completely offended that they don’t have gin at the party and starts accosting the bartender. Joe Farrell, the owner of the $39 MILLION DOLLAR MANSION, makes an ‘unfashionably late’ entrance wearing a pair of PURPLE pants two sizes too small.
***For those who didn’t watch, I’m mentioning the price of the mansion because Ramona brought it up about 500 times.
During all of this, Ramona is acting like a Stepford wife from Hell. She is clearly embarrassed by her castmates and is acting as if a robot named Karen took over her body. Yes, RHONY would not be the masterpiece it is without her, but Ramona is the actual spawn of Satan.
What happens next, needs to be seen in order to be believed. But I will do my best to recap.
Joe, like a true narcissist, takes the women on a tour of his house. In all honesty, the house really is beautiful, but what gets the women most excited is the bowling alley of all things. I have nothing against bowling alleys per say, but their level of excitement didn’t match what the audience was seeing.
My new favorite housewife, Leah, then drops the most emasculating but honest statement of the episode.
“Men can be short and unattractive and still have women running after them if they have money”.
I do feel a little bad for Joe if he watches this episode. Even though he seemed like a Grade-A douchebag, he didn’t REALLY do anything rude or disrespectful to warrant that insult. But you can’t hate the player, Joe, hate the game.
Then, in what can only be described as a drunken spectacle for the ages, Sonja throws down on all the pompous party goers. Her alcohol finally catches up to her and all hell breaks loose. She starts screaming about her self-grooming habits, tries to have sex with a Vineyard Vines wearing 25-year old, and hits on a married man with a baby (in her defense, she didn’t know he was married OR had a baby).
Does anyone know who this Elyse bitch is and why she is trying to nudge her way onto the show? Also, why was she able to dress like a hoe when everyone else had to act like they were meeting the Queen of fucking England?
They somehow all leave the party in one piece without any gentleman suitors in tow. My only issue with this episode was the lack of footage back at the house that night. Did the production team just decide to go to bed and miss the opportunity to continue filming the potential train wreck?
Anyway, everyone wakes up to find Luann gone. She feels that she is always treated as the lowest man on the totem pole, which she kind of is, so decided to go back to her multi-million dollar Hamptons mansion. She’s incredibly pissed that Ramona put her in the basement that is ‘filled with spiders and smells like dog piss’. Is it mean to say that I feel like all of Ramona’s rooms smell like dog piss?
If you can even believe it, next week looks even crazier. Click on the link to check out the preview!
If you don’t believe me, the final scene has Leah saying “there’s a vibrator in the chicken”. I will definitely be pre-gaming before this glorious shit show.
