There’s A New ‘B’ In Town
The RHONY premiere proved to me why this franchise is my favorite. It’s hard to wrap my head around everything that happened, but I am going to try my best to breeze through the highlights. Get your tequila sodas ready!
The episode started with the ladies discussing Bethenny’s departure for a total of 30 seconds. I get that the producers might be pissed that she left so abruptly, but this OG deserved a better exit in my opinion. However, they made up for this serious faux pas by putting together a lovely compilation of every scene where Bethenny calls Luanne a whore, slut and drunk who ‘runs in fields in négligé’. I have said it once and I will say it a million times, these producers need an Emmy for their work.
RIP Bethenny- You Will Be Missed
Then came the taglines. Personally, I would never want to run into any of these ladies in a dark alley because they would frankly kick my ass. Even Tinsley, the wannabe Barbie, has gone to jail for stalking her ex and would definitely throw down if need be. However, their PC, vanilla taglines this season do not align with their reputation at all. Dorinda’s didn’t even make sense!
‘I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong”. How many dirty martinis did she have before coming up with that one? Leah’s, the new housewife, was the only acceptable one (more on her later).
On the topic of taglines, Ramona’s this season is “I don’t need to find love. I love myself.” This could not have been further from the truth when she was seen full-on convulsing at a bar because of how desperately she wants a man in her life. It was so cringeworthy for me to witness that I started to sweat from every orifice in my body. If this wasn’t an act, girl needs a Klonopin STAT.
Next up, Tinsley, the 18-year old trophy wife aspirant, stuck in a 44-year olds body. While I do think she makes a good housewife, she’s also annoying and needy AF. Side note- did anyone else think that Martin, the man that Tinsley boxed with in her first scene, looked like ‘The Mountain’ from Game of Thrones?
Anyway, she announces that she’s dating a new guy named, Bruce, with younger kids. I really don’t understand the timeline of this since this episode was filmed at the end of the summer. She’s acting like she’s very serious with Bruce but she gets back together and engaged to Scott a few months later? Something doesn’t add up and I’m fully convinced she’s either a sugar baby or a mail-ordered bride for Scott. Scott, some wise words from our dearly departed Bethenny Frankel…
I can fully admit when I am wrong, and damn, was I wrong about Leah. She is a badass bitch with zero filter and I am totally here for it. I love her entire demeanor and authenticity to tell it like it is. My love for her was solidified when she admitted to losing her Chanel bag and passport after a night of heavy drinking. As a girl who has lost multiple cell phones and wallets after partaking in one too many cocktails, I can relate to this on a deep level. Also, she was arrested in her 20s for assaulting an officer who, in turn, knocked her front teeth out. She ended up suing the cops and received a $75,000 settlement which she used to open her business. If that’s not a boss ass bitch, I’m not sure what is.
Throughout the episode, we learn that Tinsley and Dorinda have not been in the best place with their friendship. Tinsley has accused Dorinda of going around and spreading conspiracy theories about her and Scott. Are they really considered conspiracy theories if they are true?
Dorinda did not take this accusation well and started going after Tinsley. They bantered back and forth for a bit before Dorinda condescendingly complimented Tinsley’s lashes of all things and walked away. However, the fight did not end there. Dorinda then goes over to the other ladies and continues to talk about Tinsley before she overhears and defends herself. Since the argument still isn’t going anywhere, Dorinda leaves to go mingle with her other guests. As Dorinda is walking away, she SLIGHTLY stumbles on her shoes and Tinsley publicly shames her for it. She screams, “Don’t trip!” and comments how Dorinda’s shoes look a little ‘too big’. A diss for the ages right there.
Then, Dorinda says a line that will GO DOWN in Real Housewives history.
“Well, the difference is, honey, I bought them. I never laid on my back for them.”
BOOM. MIC DROP. EPISODE DONE.
It took me a few moments to come down from that shocking moment. I can’t believe this was only the first episode, but I didn’t expect anything less from these women. I did miss Bethany’s witty comebacks and charming pessimism, but Leah seems ready to hold her own. I am confident these women will get us through the quarantine, even if half of us are alcoholics by the end of it.
