Wolf In Sheep’s Clothing
I am sure that every Vanderpump Rules fan can agree that Brittany and Jax’s wedding extravaganza lasted longer than their actual marriage will. I did not write any posts about their wedding because, frankly, I did not care. I do, however, have some final thoughts on Brittany and the pastor controversy. Everyone knows that Jax is a POS. He has never tried to hide that fact and we have come to accept him as a terrible human being. Brittany, on the other hand, has always been perceived as a delicate angel sent from Hooters who can do no wrong. Up until this season, I was also drinking the Brittany kool-aid. However, she has shown her true colors and I am now convinced she’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing. This will be the last time I talk about the pastor, but she 100% knew about his bigoted tweets. Also, anyone who willingly decides to marry Jax has some major personal issues of their own. I am officially done talking about this shit show of a couple and am onto the episode.
The first scene opens up at a pool-party funeral for Schwartz’ pet lizard who tragically passes away. Yes, you heard that right. I know this season has not been as eventful as previous ones, but is Bravo really that limited on material that this scene needed to last 10 minutes? Sandoval drinking out of a brown paper bag encapsulated my overall feelings about the lizard funeral and pushed me to drink even more.
While Schwartz is mourning his lizard, the new cast tries to keep themselves relevant anyway they can. Ferret-faced Max starts complaining about SUR manager, Danica, for talking about him behind his back. I literally had to Google who Danica was because I didn’t recognize the name. Apparently, she’s been on the show since the beginning of the season, but because she’s so unimportant, I didn’t remember her. Can we just cancel this new cast? Yes, they are nice to look at but they are so uninteresting it makes me want to bang my head through a plate glass window. They are obviously acting for the camera and I am over it.
In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Lala invites Raquel for coffee. I was so obsessed with the ambience of the coffee shop they were at that I stalked Raquel’s Instagram to find the name of it. It’s one of the most basic restaurants I’ve ever scene, and you can bet your ass I’ll be visiting it when I move to LA. I personally don’t have a problem with Raquel. She is definitely not the sharpest tack in the drawer, but she means well. I also give her major props for standing up to Lala. Lala, on the other hand, is a different story. She is the quintessential mean girl who thinks she’s important because of her ‘killer BJs’ (her words not mine) and the fact that she’s engaged to a mediocre producer. Her entire demeanor and lack of empathy in this scene is so condescending and tactless; it almost made me believe she was jealous of Raquel. I’m sure many people will disagree with me on this, but a part of me thinks Lala is in love with James in some sick, twisted way.
The episode ended at Sandoval’s Extra AF birthday party. No, this is not an adjective I gave to describe the party, but the actual theme. Say what you want about Sandoval, but he is probably the only fully authentic person on the show. Yes, he acts and looks like a tool most of the time, but at least owns it.
Later at the birthday party, Stassi, Katie and Kristen have a discussion about the future of their wine brand, Witches of Weho. (Has anyone actually tried this wine? I’m tempted but it’s ‘sold out’ pretty much everywhere. Sold out is in quotations because I’m skeptical that it actually is ‘sold out’). Anyway, Kristen continues to play the victim, talks about how ‘busy’ she is and how she needs help with the social media marketing for the brand. Oh, how I WISH I had these problems.
Queen Stassi came out with a quote so good, I’m tempted to put it on my tombstone. She said “Kristen worships failures and relishes in defeat”. This rang very true to me since we all know a Kristen. I don’t believe Kristen wants to change her circumstances because she enjoys feeling sorry for herself too much. I also thought I would be sad about the dissolution of the trio, but I felt nothing. I was numb. Karma is finally serving Kristen what she deserves and I am so here for it.
I only want to briefly touch on James’ newfound sobriety because I clearly have no knowledge or basis to discuss it at length. I will always root for him and I truly believe he wants to become sober. But maybe he shouldn’t be going to these alcohol-infused parties with assholes who do not care about his well-being whatsoever. It doesn’t seem like the smartest decision BUT what do I know.
My final thought on the episode: Was Sandoval’s final costume change at his party Benjamin Franklin? If so, he did Benny boy proud.
