Three Sheets To The Cider-Filled Wind
RHONY is like a strong, refreshing Cosmopolitan. Sophisticated and feminine on the outside, and guaranteed to knock you on your ass every time you indulge. I feel like a broken record at this point, but the ladies of New York City never cease to let me down.
In the first scene of the episode, Tinsley (a.k.a Tinsdale), who likely weighs 110 pounds soaking wet, is boxing with our friendly giant, Martin, at their gym. Someone needs to get Martin an apple next season because his commentary might have been the highlight of the episode and made him this week’s MVP.
This Week’s MVP
Martin (Tinsley’s Boxer Friend)
For roughly 3 whole minutes, Martin is antagonizing Tinsley in the ring, pushing her to ‘man up’ and take control of her life. It was very Melissa McCarthy verse Kristen Wig in Bridesmaids adjacent. Martin asks the question everyone should be thinking- ‘Where do you guys get these names from?’. He makes a valid point. Between Dorinda, Tinsley, Ramona, and Luann, they are quite the Motley Crew. I personally would like to see a ‘Karen’ or a ‘Susan’ housewife thrown in just to mix it up a little.
The next major piece of gossip amongst the ladies is the break up between Dorinda and John. This revelation did not come as much of a surprise to the audience since the news was leaked months ago. However, to the ladies, they act as if it were Christ’s Second Coming. Personally, I could not be happier for Dorinda and am hoping that John does not try to weasel his greasy self back into the mix.
Luann arrives at Leah’s apartment and instantly disapproves of everything. She seems to have an issue with the size and decor of the place, while back at the ranch, I would kill just to live in her bathroom. We also need to give the production team a thunderous round of applause for this scene. Leah and Luann start discussing their alcohol consumption behavior and how they are able to ‘drink responsibly’. Meanwhile, the incredible producers masterfully flashback to the drunken antics of Luann falling into the bush in Mexico and Leah throwing her tiki torches in Ramona’s backyard.
Bravo. You went above and beyond this week and the fans appreciate your dedication to the craft.
Luann truly does not miss a beat after her first taste of alcoholic freedom, and instantly plans a girl’s trip to a winery in upstate New York. They rent a luxurious van and make their way up to Marlboro (yes, that is an actual town). Before Sonja steps off the bus, she states how she is ‘not drinking wine and wants to have a healthy day’.
A friendly word of warning: If we’ve learned anything in the past 15 years of RH history, those are the most cursed words a Housewife could possibly say. Personally, every time I announce I’m not drinking, I end up with a lost phone and negative $200 in my bank account.
Unpopular opinion: I am starting to warm up to Elyse. Even though I still think she is more thirsty than an alcoholic on coke, she is definitely working hard for that Housewife title. She courageously asks Dorinda about her breakup with John, which somehow ricochets into a massive blowout between Dorinda and Tinsley. Dorinda, known for her savagely below-the-belt comments, starts hurling insults towards Tinsley. Tinsley tries defending herself, in her piercingly high-pitched voice, while Dorinda continues to pour more wine and ruthlessly mock her in return. Honestly, I give Tinsley a lot of credit for not breaking down at the table. Instead, she waits and starts sobbing to Luann a few meters away from the table. Luann, being the diplomatic countess she is, directs Tinsley to speak more softly, like Barack Obama. I’m sure Obama is thrilled to be associated with RHONY.
Meanwhile, Dorinda continues to lose her mind back at the table. As much as I love drunk Dorinda, I think she desperately needs some type of rehab or restful ‘getaway’ at one of those expensive retreat-like facilities that ban alcohol and illegal substances. Girl is a HOT mess and needs to level it out. Also, does anyone else remember when Dorinda broke a rib? Has this season been so action-packed that Bravo just pushed past that shocking piece of information?
To ease her tension, Tinsley decides to climb a tree like any rational 44-year old woman would in her position. That in itself has been my mood this entire quarantine. Sonja’s ‘no drinking rule’ doesn’t stand a chance and she is three sheets to the wind by lunchtime.
The ladies decide to take a tractor ride to a corn maze and have to find their way out completely inebriated. I have seen too many horror movies involving children and corn fields that you could not pay me enough to go through a corn maze. For a moment, between the public urination and Tinsley’s blood curdling screams, I actually thought I was watching a Friday The 13th sequel.
They somehow safely find their way back to the winery and look ready to check into Passages Malibu. In front of the uptight sommelier, the ladies discuss their opinion on sexting and their preference size of a man’s ‘nether region’. Leah compares hers to a donut (I will let you use your imagination on that one) and Sonja drops one of the best lines of the day. Referring to Tinsley, Sonja says “she’ll do anything for a small dick- especially if it gives her a bracelet”. Hopefully, for Tinsley’s sake, it’s at least Cartier. The delivery of Sonja’s lines are timed with such unintentional perfection that Meryl Streep should be concerned for her job.
