It's Ok, If It's In A Threeway
I know I have given Kyle a lot of shit this season so I decided to start by offering her some compliments. Firstly, her home is absolutely stunning. I’m sure her she-devil, best friend, Faye Resnick, designed it, but I always give credit where credit is due. Secondly, her green Manolo heeled slides are literally to DIE FOR. Even though her style this season is comparable to a much older, knock-off version of Carrie Bradshaw, I always appreciate a nice pair of shoes.
We start off the episode with Kyle frantically speaking Spanish to her maids because one of them broke a glass. Her attempt to not come across as a total monster by appearing concerned for her maid’s potential hand injury failed since we all know she was more distressed about the broken crystal (which she mentioned first). Unfortunately for Dorit, she is the first person to arrive at Kyle’s place ahead of their road trip to Santa Barbara. Kyle wants to smooth over their ridiculous argument from the previous night where Dorit handled herself perfectly, even when she was being called an ‘asshole’ and repeatedly told to ‘fuck off’. Personally, I am envious of Dorit’s stoic, almost sociopathic demeanor throughout the entire argument and am currently working on that DGAF mentality myself. For someone who was so perplexed by the ‘couple’s therapy’ comment, Kyle sure seems triggered by it. The next person to arrive is Lisa Rinna who announces that she’s late because her dogs got into her mother’s pill bottle. Should we be concerned? What exactly were these pills? While I’m not surprised, I have no words but total judgement.
When Garcelle showed up in her first scene of the episode, I was so happy to see it NOT involving her cheating ex-husband, Mike. She is such a dynamic character and has the potential of adding a lot of substance to the show. Unfortunately, the scene ultimately ends with her meeting up with Mike. Personally, I think the producers are doing her character a disservice by not divulging other, more intriguing aspects of her life. While I am very impressed by their co-parenting skills, especially after their nasty divorce, I don’t want to continue seeing Mike every episode. Am I right?
All the ladies, besides Garcelle and Denise (who’s driving up later) arrive at their beautiful Santa Barbara rental mansion located directly on the Pacific Ocean. When the friendly Airbnb host goes to hug Sutton, her entire body clenches uncomfortably. Does this confirm that she does indeed have a tree up her ass?
Side note: I heard some tea about Sutton. She was supposed to be a full-time housewife but got demoted to a ‘friend’ position. Supposedly, after filming was complete, her ex-husband decided he did not want their kids to be filmed. Apparently, her children were included in the majority of her personal scenes and Bravo obviously wanted to avoid a lawsuit. After the scenes with her children were cut, there simply wasn’t enough content to give her a diamond this season. That, my friends, is what I call a blessing in disguise.
The ladies decide to go to a winery and are troubled with the decision on whether or not to leave Denise a note on where they went. This is the 21st century- why didn’t just texting her run through these bitch’s minds? Jealousy is not a pretty color on any of these ladies. Dorit did experience a F.A.B. (fake-ass-bitch, according to Kyle) moment when she brought a can of REGULAR Coke for the ride. I am willing to bet my entire life savings (which is dismally low at this point) that she had 5 sips MAX.
After going on a completely staged, overly-produced bike ride on the beach, they finally arrive at the winery. They start drinking as if a drought were coming (no judgement there) and instantly begin talking complete shit about Denise. The overall consensus is that Denise has no right to judge their ‘threesome’ dinner conversation since Charlie Sheen once brought a hooker to Thanksgiving. Like clockwork, Denise shows up, touting her own bottle of Tequila, in the middle of their conversation. While I usually agree with the producers, I, unfortunately, think they were purposefully trying to make Denise look bad in this scene. She came across as a wet blanket at the winery (which we all know she’s not) and her lines seemed taken out of context.
They go back to the mansion and get ready for a night in. At dinner, Lisa Rinna wastes no time and instantly pours gasoline on the already ignited flame by asking Denise’s opinion on filming her infamous threesome scene in Wild Thing. However, Denise doesn’t take the bait and answers in a refreshingly honest way. That obviously does not sit well with shit-stirrer, Lisa, causing her to push the envelope even further. She then asks Denise how she will feel when her kids eventually do watch Wild Thing. Call it ignorant bliss, but Denise doesn’t believe her kids will ever watch it. From the wise words of our new uptight friend, Sutton, Lisa does not ‘let the mouse go’ on this topic. Instead, she brings up the sex book she wrote and how happy she is that her daughters read it and now know how to give good blow jobs. I’m no prude, but this whole scene made me cringe harder than Sutton receiving a hug.
Kyle then apologizes to Denise for their argument at Erika’s party and the dinner takes a predictable turn. On a scale of 1 (being comatose on Xanax smoothies) to a 10 (season 5 Amsterdam brawl with Brandi, Kim and Rinna), I would give this a 4. These ladies need to level up and heighten the drama ASAP. The glam and diamond ice sculpture gets brought up yet again. Denise drops the fact that her adopted daughter, Eloise, picked it out, making Kyle look even more like an absolute asshole. Honestly, I don’t want to bore you with this level 4 fight because it was more of the same mess we’ve been seeing all season. The Kyle-Teddi best friend issue is getting old- why does anyone even care if these two bores are best friends? Thank you Bravo for triggering my high school experience, yet again.
This season started out promising, but I’m getting concerned with the direction we’re headed. We do not want a repeat of the Lucy Lucy Apple Juice (yes some asshole actually named their dog that) scandal. LVP, call Andy. We need you back, ASAP.
