MILF Porn or Bust

So, Ramona (not-so) shockingly sank lower then she’s ever gone before at her ‘Coming Out’ Birthday Party.  No one is really sure what’s she’s ‘coming out’ from but it’s definitely not as a decent human being.  I used to think Ramona’s selfish, egotistical, borderline, sociopathic behavior was just an act for ratings, but I’m starting to believe that she actually is as terrible as she lets on to be. 

The MVP of this episode (and the season if we’re being honest) is Leah.  She keeps it real 100% of the time and is the coolest bitch this franchise has ever seen.  We must, as a Bravo-verse, defend her at all costs and not allow any menopausal snakes to change her in ANY WAY.   

We start off with Luann and Sonja attending a meeting at The Fortune Society, an AA-type event with previously incarcerated felons who are looking to rebuild their lives.   The majority of these individuals were in prison for 10+ years and dealt with much more adversity than the Countess has experienced in her pinky finger.  When I figured out why the women were actually there, I started to sweat and poured another glass of wine in anticipation of the second-hand humiliation I was about to endure.  While they did appear genuinely humbled to be included in on the event, it came across as completely self-serving and out-of-touch with any semblance of reality.  Cue the cringe. 

I also don’t think Luann expected so many people to take her up on the complimentary spa day offer.  Sheer panic ran across her face when half the group raised their hands to participate and she realized the serious dough she would have to put forward.

Also, I’m starting a movement now for Bravo to hire Leah’s sister, Sarah, next season.  She’s already proven she will bring the drama by bringing up personal family issues within her allotted two minutes of screen time.  Picture what she will stir up with her enemies!  It’s almost too magnificent to imagine.  Forget about Elyse.  Bring on Sarah.

The main event of this episode was Ramona’s (might I go as far as to say tacky?) party.  First off, she had a general rule that everyone who attends must wear black.  I have to give it to Elyse who predicted the female Mussolini would plan to stand out in red while her peasants wore black.   The only good thing that came out of this rule was that Sonja and Luann both ignored it and wore sparkling gold and red. You both fell on the sword for the betterment of humanity.  We applaud your bravery.

Throughout this entire episode, I felt a personal, deep, dark internal rage towards Ramona.  Everything she says and does is so outwardly rude and disrespectful.  Honestly, I’m in complete awe she’s been able to get away with this despicable behavior for so long.  The way she treats Leah is downright disgraceful, however, we all know it’s out of jealousy. Going after her Norma Kamali dress, which looked fucking fabulous and is now sold out on the Revolve website I might add, was so transparent it was almost embarrassing to watch as a viewer. 

Ramona, jealously is the trashiest color and you wear it well.  Leah is a better sport than I would have been.  Can I also point out that there was a woman with full on pink hair and gray roots at this party? How the hell was she allowed in?  If there’s one thing I hate, it’s double fucking standards and Ramona is the queen of them.

We have to give Dorinda credit for the old adage ‘you took my drink, now make me another’ line you tell the bartender when you want a refill but don’t want to be judged.  I can’t count the amount of times I’ve used this line at family parties when I want to avoid the disappointed looks from my grandparents after I down my third dirty martini.  Dorinda makes me feel better about my drinking habits, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. 

However, the height of the episode is when Ramona brings over her new Gucci purse some ‘best friends’ bought her.  This (rightfully) triggers everyone in the group, especially Sonja, who goes after the bag and INSISTS Ramona exchanges it.  In Sonja’s defense, it was a pretty hideous bag.  This prompts the drinks to start flowing fast and the drama to unravel even faster.  The party is filled with white, plastic-looking women in their sixties dancing, which Leah appropriately refers to as MILF Porn.  That’s one video I would certainly not pay to see.

In stark contrast to the up-tight WASPs in the room, Leah, Elyse, Sonja, and Luann let loose and start dancing together.   They start to actually have a good time before Ramona’s wet blanket of a sister, Tanya, complains that Leah is ‘dancing like a stripper’.  Ramona has what can only be described as a full on mental freak out, grabs Leah and starts chastising her on her ripped stockings.  Meanwhile, Sonja dances on a glass table, cracks it and no one bats an eye.  This is all too much for Ramona’s virgin eyes to witness and she threatens to quit the show.  Honestly, maybe she should leave and make room for a new housewife who isn’t two years away from wearing Depends on a daily basis. 

I cannot fucking wait for next week when they head to Mexico.  I have no doubt it will be a shit show, binge fest for the ages. I also hope Ramona is called out once and for all.  Girl, bye.