Blame It On The Rosé

I think we can all agree that this season of RHONY is one of its darkest yet.  Not that I’m complaining in any way, but literally every person on this show has a serious drinking (possibly drug) problem and we tune in every Thursday and call it entertainment.  Is it selfish on our part?  Possibly. Will it make me stop watching?  Abso-fucking-lutely NOT.  While this season has been a train wreck (in the best possible way), I do think the producers are starting to play with fire.  On the off chance that something bad actually does happen to one of these women during a drunken binge fest could mean trouble for Bravo and the future of the franchise.  I am not saying they need to reel anything back at this point, but maybe consider having an EMT or licensed therapist on standby.  

I feel like an asshole for admitting that the MVP of this episode is Dorinda, who is truly giving Lisa Rinna a run for her money as the ‘Biggest Shit Stirrer’ on Bravo.

The episode starts off right after Luann’s demonic outburst towards Sonja, who called Luann out on her $225 cabaret appearance payment.  This entire scene was disturbing to me on two levels. One, Luann, who has repeatedly said she makes her lucrative livelihood through these performances, is being a greedy bitch and can afford to fork over some extra dough.  On the other hand, is Sonja’s alimony running low or something?  Being a former Morgan, you would think she would be doing the cabaret for free.  I have no right to comment on this but being an unemployed, broke ass bitch myself, I know money problems when I see it.  Lady Morgan is struggling. 

Even though Sonja is wasted beyond belief and cannot form a coherent sentence by this point in the night, Luann does not back down and continues to aim for the jugular with her comments.  There is NO WAY these women are only drinking alcohol.  I know that is a strong accusation to make but their level of intoxication is beyond the capacity of what rosé can do.  My guess is that some Xanax smoothies or powdery substances were consumed before this dinner took place. 

Also, am I the only one who finds it strange that none of the other ladies are concerned over Sonja’s near constant state of unconsciousness due to her drinking?  It was funny at first, but is starting to get a bit troubling.  If Luann and Sonja’s inebriated conversation wasn’t dark enough, Dorinda decides to insert herself in on the drama. She starts hurling insults at Luann, calling her a ‘drunken fool’ and making fun of her mug shot (which at this point is old news).  Leah, ever so wisely, points out that they are ‘all one drink away from a mug shot’.  Aren’t we all though?

This prompts the Ice Queen, Luann, to melt down, pack up and leave for a hotel with her Jovani tote in tow.  The already OBLITERATED Dorinda then pours herself a FULL glass of straight Ketel One and continues to verbally assault Luann like a totally stable person does. 

I can’t judge Dorinda on the full-glass of vodka part.  We’ve all been there.  When you are at the point of pouring straight vodka into a full water glass, you are usually at the point of no return.  Even though Luann must have been consuming something based on her manic behavior, I never once saw her take a sip of alcohol.  I am aware she’s an alcoholic, but damn is she one sneaky motherfucker.   

Thankfully, Leah comes to the rescue in a full-on fur coat and makes the decision to go to a pub with Luann and Ramona.  Unfortunately, cameras were not present at the pub to witness this Motley Crew, but Leah tells us that Luann tried to perform part of her cabaret and was denied.  Honestly, I’m glad that wasn’t filmed since that might have been a bit too much second-hand humiliation even for me to handle at this point in the episode.

The next morning, Dorinda does not take responsibility for anything while Ramona, seemingly frightened by her, figuratively walks on eggshells.  I need to say ‘figuratively’ since we never do know for sure with these women.  Dorinda does end up calling Luann to apologize but blames her borderline abusive behavior on rosé.  I’m sorry, but why hasn’t that excuse ever worked for me?  Every time I blame my bad, drunken behavior on alcohol, people just suggest I go to rehab.  While I appreciate the group’s ability to simply slip this incident under the rug, Dorinda is a ticking time bomb and her implosion is imminent.  After a breakfast of uncooked waffles, they meet Luann downtown to do some shopping.  Once Sonja sees Luanne, she runs up, gives her a hug and all seems to be forgotten- like a scene out of the fucking Twilight Zone. 

As crazy as this might seem to an outsider, we see this cycle time and time again with these ladies.  Much like sisters do, these women can spew the most hateful comments towards each other and make up the next morning over mimosas only to repeat the same drunken behavior again that night. 

After a day of shopping, they head home to get ready for dinner.  Never to miss an opportunity to humiliate Ramona, the producers catch a glimpse of her plunging her own toilet.  The camera literally zooms in on her removing her own feces. In an ironic but not-so shocking turn of events later that evening, Ramona drags on about how difficult it is to find a man because she is in the top 1%.  Ramona, maybe you can’t find a man because of your disgusting fecal issues.  Lest us not forget the time you shit on the floor in the mansion in Cartagena.  #NeverForget

At dinner, we get a visit from one of my LEAST FAVORITE housewives of all time, ‘Holla Back’ Heather.  Thankfully, she didn’t get much screen time but I can’t help but wonder whether the producers are testing the waters on her possible return to the show.   I swear to god, if she comes back, I will swallow glass in protest.  Okay, maybe that was a bit much, but I WILL become unhinged. 

I never thought I would say this but Elyse is starting to grow on me.  Even though I was expecting a little more pizazz from her alter ego, Erika, she did appear a little less robotic and not so much of a doormat.  I know those aren’t glowing reviews to give a person, but I see some potential in her; especially if a shocking scandal were to secretly drop on Page 6 right around season 13 casting time.   

All in all, dinner the second night was surprisingly low drama and fun. However, Leah warned us on her Instagram that it was the last nice moment of the season.  They have already been pretty terrible to one another, so I’m a little nervous to see how much lower they can go.